Tuesday, February 21, 2012

A World of Disguises!

Wounded vanity knows when it is mortally hurt,
   And limps off the field, piteous, all disguises thrown away.
But pride carries its banner to the last.
              Helen Hunt Jackson




I, being not so very different from most of you, have many disguises. The hard working farmer, the supportive wife, the loving mother, the dutiful daughter, the good friend, and yes even the happy blogger. So many disguises, hiding the person, and the pain that lurks below. I peel off one disguise to reveal another as needed, I am pretty sure we all do this.

I myself was finding all my assortment of disguises working well, or so I thought. One day I happened to turn up with the wrong costume for the situation. What to do? If you are like me, you retreat back into your closet of cloaks and laughter to try and find the right one and return to the situation.
As time went on I found this more difficult, I was constantly showing up with the wrong disguise or a very different mixture that did not work. It was like showing up with the right hat, and the wrong shoes. Eventually the combinations were not mixing and before you know it, there seems to be a tear in one costume and your world starts to crumble.

For those of you, who have been with me since my beginning know I have Fibromyalgia, a part of me I do not like to dwell on. I have pretty much carried on like it was the wrong diagnoses; like it was all a mistake and the daily pain, and the depression that goes with it was just going to be a part of my life. I did not want to, and still do not want to be labelled by this disease, I am so much more than it. I am stronger than it and I know I will win this stupid power struggle, this tug of war we are playing. I was fooling myself into thinking ignoring it would be the right defense and it would disappear.

I have done myself and the people around me a great disservice by not letting them know just how hard it is to carry around all those disguises, pretending life is just a big bowl of cherries. It is not. This Fibro has been lurking amidst my array of disguises waiting for me to become distracted, and vulnerable. Waiting for that one small tear in one of my costumes.  Waiting till it could pounce, and so it did. The pain I have been concealing with these disguises has escaped and I can no longer ignore, nor deny it.

Please do not pity me I do not want that. The whole point of this post is to let those of you who are wearing all those disguises, trying to conceal whatever it is you are trying to ignore or forget know, that it will eventually have a tear and your pain will surface. Do not be silly enough, as I was, to ignore it, or your house of cards will come tumbling down. Reach out to the ones you love and let them see the real you, they will understand and help get you through this. Carrying around all those disguises is truly exhausting, you need help whether you realize it or not.

I think by removing these layers I have been wearing and by exposing the real me, I will be able to handle and gain control of the very things I was trying to conceal. Taking back the power, I was foolish enough to think I still had.

Later.

20 comments:

  1. I AM sorry you have to deal with this dreaded disease. I know so many that suffer from it. And suffer, they do.

    This is a very moving and important post, Buttons, whether some one has fibro or not. You have done a great service.

    While I wish you didn't suffer from this, I am thankful you took the costume off, that you let me see this true side of you and what you are dealing with. This way, I can offer my support.

    One day at a time, right? May this be a better day for you.

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  2. Wow! This is powerful stuff. Food for some serious thought. I am pleased you shared this.

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  3. Thanks for sharing Buttons...I wish you didn't have to deal with this ugly thing! But it was an honest, open reminder to all of us that being real is so important! Hope today is a GOOD day!

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  4. Your power with words is amazing. Thank you for sharing this with us- we all hide behind layers and need to learn to share and let others help- very hard for some of us.

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  5. A beautiful yet hurting post. I think once we hit a certain age we all wear different faces, and not always one of knowledge.Illness of all sorts hits all of us at one time or another. It is the determination to move out of the costume and onward.

    Hope you are enjoying this spring like weather, if not at least the sunshine.

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  6. thank you for your bravery in sharing. and for giving advice we all need to hear. God bless you, buttons.

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  7. Thanks for sharing Buttons....I wish you didn't have to deal with this! You go girl have a great day!

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  8. What a vulnerable post! I know it will help many people who read it. And you, young woman :), have all the power you need to deal with whatever. And we have your back...at least in Spirit. Glad you are being authentic with your family so they can be there for you in the ways you need them. They will love you even more for it. Be gentle with yourself...at least for today. Sandra

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  9. Hang in there girl...remember nanny. She put up her fist and say "Chin up"!! Meaning you are a fighter. Must be the Irish blood. Take care,Buttons. Hugs..fr auntie m.

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  10. Well said! And Hang in there gal now that you've threw the whole mess on the floor I'm sure those who love you dearly will be there to hang all the crap back up. Sometimes the things in our closets just need a good airing out and perhaps a good kick around the floor before it all looks good once again... or you donate some of the crap and it all looks nice and tidy.

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  11. I didn't know that you have this horribly painful disease. I'm glad you told us -- like you said, it's too much work hiding behind disguises. It takes a lot of strength to be real. Good for you - we're pulling for you (and that isn't pity).

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  12. Such a hard thing to carry alone.. many things we are afflicted with are different and yet our stories are much the same. We all have reasons for concealing (or trying to) what afflicts us, but our friends and loved ones want to offer a shoulder to lean on... I've had to learn that too. I too, have several chronic (never going away) conditions, but I fight against them as you do to retain the life I like and want. But sometimes I must simply admit to limitations...

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  13. I am sorry that you felt you had to hide this behind all the layers. I think as adults it is hard asking for help or letting others know we might not feel quite as strong as we appear.

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  14. I so admire you for putting down your guard long enough to share it with your readers. I also admire your strength. It must really be a challenge to get up and go out to the cold and tough job of caring for your animals and the land. That strength has served you well so far. I hope you continue to write and connect on the internet. Sharing what we think is priceless.

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  15. Dear Buttons, I'm sure you'll notice a real difference in your life now that you're truly sharing how you feel with those around you. You're always ready to help others - enjoy the comfort when they can reciprocate. It must be such a relief now you've let go of that layer. Continue to be kind to yourself and let your body guide you each day. xx

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  16. I love your analogies about showing up with the wrong disguise, they would apply to so many situations.

    Fibro is bad, but don't let it label you and make you conform to all the popular info would, just take care to get your rest, limit yourself to only what you can comfortably do and STOP before you're over-tired.It will get better, and in the mean-time allow you to ponder your priorities and order your life accordingly.

    Bless you, take care.~

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  17. A beautifully written post to describe a painful battle you regularly have. As a fellow sufferer of depression I know too well of the disguises I have used to conceal mine or help me deal with the anxiety of depression. Hope you find sharing through your blog a sense of release. It is comforting to hear from others who have their own demons to fight.

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  18. It's very wise of you to deal with this disease head on. It saps too much energy to pretend all is well. I wish you all the best, Buttons!

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  19. you can never predict what may be just under the surface of everyone you encounter. good food for thought, dear. <3

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  20. Diseases stink ;P . But its not what makes you, you. Sometimes though it hard to see through the foggy window of pain that it puts up, and we skulk behind it, using it as a shield to prevent others from getting close.

    You write well, friend...

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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