Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Run T Run!


On, on, quiet silently,
  When I am there alone,
Turns not his head; lifts not his eyes;
  Heeds not as he plays on.
    Walter De La Mare



My brother T, the one who somehow always talked me into doing the things that got me into trouble when we were kids, is lying in a hospital bed. I sit here quietly and watch his chest go up and down with each breath. He does not know I am here, or maybe he does, he is sleeping. I look at him lying in this big hospital bed with tubes and think back to just a few weeks ago when Mom was the one in the hospital bed.

Things around me are changing so fast and I have no control over any of it. As I watch my family and I grow older I remember back to a conversation with my Grandma, “The world gets scary when you have to watch the people you love grow old.” She was right, she was always right. At the time I did not understand but with these last few years I certainly do. I am afraid there will be more days like this.

I find myself reaching into my bag of memories that I had stored up for times like this. This bag that is overflowing with happy times, I at one time had a very hard time containing them all, but I figured out how to hold on to them. I now know there was a reason I have saved so many. I am grateful to have this overflowing bag of memories and grateful that I can pull them out and put them back over and over again.

T and I are running on the beach, the sand is stuck to our feet and the waves are washing the sand off as we dance over them. We are laughing and then screaming as the cold water touches our toes. Grandpa is walking behind laughing. T and I race to the other side of the beach and pick up a towel someone had left the night before. T grabs the bright yellow towel, as bright as the sun. He lifts it high so I have to chase him to get it back. “I found it it's mine.” “No it's mine.”

 I stand up.

Can you hear me T? Wake up, I am yelling as loud as I can in my head. I want to shake him and tell him these stories.

 I sit back down.

 The sand is so hot, the water so cold. Do you remember the towel T? Do you remember Grandpa taking the towel from both of us and saying “No, it is mine” and then he laughed?  Do you remember his laugh T? Do you have a big bag of memories like mine? Are you going through them now while you are sleeping?

I watch T’s chest go up and down with every breath he takes. I am back on the sandy beach. I hope your there too. Run T Run!

Later.



16 comments:

  1. Sending prayers for you and T. *HUGS* too.

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  2. I'm sorry Buttons...I will pray for you and for T. So glad you can be there with him!

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  3. Hopefully he has one more mischeivous act he has to pull on you and is just dreaming about how to pull it off.
    Sending hugs to everyone.

    Love BA

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  4. oh buttons. i am sorry for your pain and worry. i hope all will be well.

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  5. Had a dream of your Nanny F last night..Icradle her in my arms and kept telling her..everything will be alright...my prayers go out to you, Buttons for strength and T for comfort and peace...

    Auntie M

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  6. Oh Buttons, I can hear your pain in this post. I am sending your warm thoughts and hugs. Hope everything turns out ok - thinking of you!!!

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  7. Oh dear, Buttons! I do hope T will be all right!

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  8. Oh Buttons, my heart aches for you. *hugs* Sending good thoughts your way for you, T, and the rest of your family. Thank you for sharing your memory with us!
    Mandi

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  9. ((((HUGS)))) B! I'm glad you have that BIG BAG!

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  10. Oh Buttons, my heart feels heavy reading this lovely writing as a tribute to your brother. I struggle as well growing older and my friends and family growing older as well, but know that it is all in God's plan...thinking of you and your family and sending hugs and prayers...

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  11. Those memories are priceless. They can carry you through the rough patches and comfort you when your heart hurts. You may want to write down a few more to make them solid in your mind and to save them for others. Best wishes for good news, Buttons.

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  12. Thinking of you and yours as you struggle through this difficult time.

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  13. Gosh B, what a load you're carrying. My warmest good wishes to you. Keep reaching into that big bag of tender memories. Big hugs xx

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  14. Hi Buttons,
    I understand about watching the ones you love grow older...and being one who grows older. My prayer is with you and your family.

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  15. Gosh, I was just gone for a week. I hope your brother is doing better. I am very close with my brother. Right now he is in a bad place and the only thing we both have to hang on to is those memories. My thoughts are with you.

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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