Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Alone!

 And so no force, however great, can stretch a cord, however fine,
  into a horizontal line which shall be absolutely straight.
                            William Whewell


(I debated sharing this piece but I am pretty sure I am not the only one, and sometimes even the happiest people have those moments. If you are expecting to read happy, please return next week.)

It is 6:00 Tuesday morning and I watch as My Hero hops into his truck to head off to work. I marvel at the shadows and light of the headlights bouncing off the century old fire hydrant saved long ago from the city scrap pile. I check out the moon it is surrounded by a ring of light, but the clouds are blocking that moon. This is what I have been feeling for a couple of weeks, solitary and alone. Hiding those feelings of overwhelming loneliness behind a smile and a laugh, how did I get here?

The weekend was busy; Melissa had come down for the annual changing to winter tires event with her Dad. I watch as My Hero takes the tire from Melissa and lifts it on the rim; my emotions swell with pride watching a girl who knows what a torque wrench is and how to use it. We had a great weekend with a turkey dinner, great conversations, and laughter lasting late into the evening. She is happy. I miss my girls, I know they have very busy happy lives and need to live those lives and grow and learn on their own but I miss them I cannot help it.

Monday morning I woke up and I watched My Hero drive out of the laneway the same laneway Melissa drove out of on Sunday afternoon, I look back to the kitchen, the empty kitchen I am all alone again. I push down those feelings and try to think of what I can do today to get through this. I know I can get through this lonely feeling I have been here before. I putter around the house and at first light I go outside to feed the cows. I did not bother to pull on my coveralls I just slipped on my rubber boots and went out to get this job over with, out of character for me as I love this job.

After feeding the cows and not even bothering to take any photos of those cute little faces I came into the empty house and filled the wood cart and made a stew in the crockpot to take to Mom’s later that day. While washing up some dishes that were sitting in the sink a glass shatters the water turns crimson red, my blood and my emotions are no longer contained I start to cry and cannot stop. What is the matter with me????

I am pretty sure it is going to pass it always does, the holidays seem to affect a lot of people and I am no different. I think some people, me included tend to think about what they have lost over the year and are not always able to see what has been gained. I have had a year of extreme highs and lows just like many of you. There is a lot going on in my world and unfortunately the world of people I care deeply about and I have to get back to that place that knowing everything will work out as it should.

I will be taking a short break to get out of this house and I know I will return in a better frame of mind.

Do not worry about me I am going to be out finding that old me in places I have neglected. If you are feeling the same way get out of the house and go visit people, there are many people feeling the exact same way trapped in a world of loneliness and with a world full of people we should not have to feel alone. Surround yourself with others and forget about what you have lost and focus on what you have gained and how you can make a difference for others feeling the same.


So if you pass a girl with half a smile on her face, smile back she is out searching for the other half and she will be successful. Go find your happy you are not alone.
See you next week.

Later

36 comments:

  1. Well said Buttons...there are so many people that feel like this! And what wise words you give us! Sending you hugs and a smile from PA!

    ReplyDelete
  2. sounds like great therapy buttons...big hugs and smiles!

    ReplyDelete
  3. These moments happen, and I think they're more frequent during the "long days" of the year. Somehow, spring and summer is always easier.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I'm glad you are already aware of what you can do to lift your spirits. I'm sending you positive thoughts, Buttons!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I to have been through this feeling. Part of why I do photography and have my Miggs they both help me they are my therapy as is the nature and beauty we have around here ! I hope it all works out for you and you get back on track with your frame of mind .

    ReplyDelete
  6. sadness is just another part of living...and its good that you know that!

    im one of those *different* peoples that when im sad then I really roll in it and flail around and enjoy being sad and then I realize im enjoying it and not being sad anymore so then i have to work hard on being sad and then it just isnt the same...sigh. So if we move on and talk about frustration, thats another part of life I really can relate to too...but its not as enjoyable as being sad...actually it puts me into anger and then everyone stays away from me fer real and then we go back to sadness,then we just give up and enjoy whatever, pfft...wash, rinse, repeat - such is life!

    anyhow mr foresterman likes when im sad because he says thats when i write so eloquently that it can convey all the weight of the world to put him in despair...but in a good way... but then i just think he was a bachelor for too long for too many years and would enjoy even a parakeet's loud angst at this point...

    so im raising my half full glass to you and your beautiful writing while you wander about all those human feelings, friend! cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  7. B...After my knee replacement they put me on a pain med that messed up my head. I either talked too much or cried. And I cried over things that were so simple and not serious. I'm sure my family thought I was loosing it. Recognizing this, weaned myself as quickly as possible. The older I get tho, the more emotional...and it can be over something that is beautiful. It's good that you are comfortable writing about your feelings. Getting busy helps so much and you seem to have a great perspective on all that. I bet your Mom will put a smile on your face. Thank you for sharing what many feel.

    ReplyDelete
  8. If you can see, I am sharing the other half of the smile.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hope you find the other half of your smile today! Loneliness is something I rarely feel even when I'm alone; I have my faith to surround me, you see, and it's when I'm alone that I feel closest to God.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, Buttons, I could have written this. 2012 has not been kind to our family and continues to wreak havoc, but we know that brighter days are ahead. Nothing stays the same and we will pull through as we always do. We believe that God is with us, even when it feels like he isn't. Sounds like you have the perfect remedy for the blues, by going out and being among people, searching for smiles and that human connection. Hoping you feel better soon. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Another great story! As you can see I have added my blog to your followers, however my Profile picture is blank and for the life of me I can not figure out how to add a picture there through my profile page. Any hints? Anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I was just talking about this very same thing with a friend.

    I'm not often lonely but when I am it is a very intense feeling.

    The holidays are always hard. I get so sick of seeing the happy happy all over the place.

    ReplyDelete
  13. "GREY SKIES ARE GOING TO CLEAR UP, PUT ON A HAPPY FACE!" Isn't how the song goes? As Nanny,would say..."Chin up girl!" :)

    Empty-nest syndrome, they call it. And ya...that time of year. But the spirits of our love ones, come around this time of year..when they know we miss them so.

    You know where I am if need to tlk or a shoulder to cry on. For I will need your shoulder to cry on as well....many hugs to you Buttons.

    Auntie M :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. Spoken like the true soldier most women are...think of all before ourselves.

    Holidays are rough. Sometimes I would like to freeze the moment in a snow globe so I can revisit anytime. The moment forever would be just a shake away.

    Reconnect, do what you must, know you are never alone. and know this will pass.

    ReplyDelete
  15. *hugs* Miss Buttons, you will get through this. You are right, everyone has these moments, and it will pass. Please, do not hesitate to ask your loved ones for extra help when you need it.

    Thinking of you as you search for 'the other half', Mandi

    ReplyDelete
  16. Every once in a while, it seems, we have to visit that dark place. I am sending you virtual hugs and smiles, virtual happy music and the virtual smell of home made soup and tea biscuits. There is always someone thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Sounds like the perfect therapy to me ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Aaah, Buttons, you have written my story...raising 4 children who are now busy, busy (I consider this a blessing, but..)losing both my parents within the last two years, friends and family so far away. That is why I started my blog and writing has helped, but there are 'those days' that you have so eloquently expressed. But I have found that time is the best healer, time to think, time to explore, time to forget and time to redefine yourself. I am having more happy days than sad now and I am emracing my solitude, for I know I am never truly alone. I have found myself, and you will, too. It just takes time. Hugs to you. xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. I know exactly how you feel. With just my husband and me out in the middle of nowhere, when he is gone I feel very lonely. The other night I was by myself and was feeling sad and lonely so I got out my journal and wrote what I was feeling. It turned into an essay on wanting a baby haha.

    Hang in there. It'll get better. It's always darkest before the dawn :)

    ReplyDelete
  20. It sounds like you know just what you need to get over your loneliness. I too feel alone working from home and sometimes it depresses me. I guess I should make a trip to town just to see other people! :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Hugs Buttons. Every day I think of you and am 'visiting' you. Maa xx

    ReplyDelete
  22. Hello Buttons, I'm coming over to visit you because you left 2 lovely comments on my blog, on posts which were whimsical and pretty, but of no true consequence. How on Earth could the woman who left those comments write this post? Melencolia comes to all of us, but most of us are able to overcome it eventually. You prescribed the perfect cure. Get out there! Quit listening to the 24/7 news which is always dreadful. I love the sound of your life, and am so happy to have met you today. Sending a big Texas hug...Marsha

    ReplyDelete
  23. I agree Buttons, finding solace is often wrapped in giving ourselves to others... hope you find that comfortable place soon... xo {{hugs}}

    ReplyDelete
  24. Oh, and I meant to say that I find I'm often more melancholy during the holidays... sometimes a deep sadness that the fun get togethers do not wash away...

    ReplyDelete
  25. Oh I have occupied this space -this same space that you occupy ...... I longed for someone - for anyone -for everyone to tell me. .......it's Ok to feel this way...... And Everything WILL BE ALRIGHT. It will be!

    ReplyDelete
  26. what an honest and powerful entry b! so raw and heart felt!

    i am sending you one big jolly hug and several sloppy kisses!!

    ReplyDelete
  27. Sending hugs and lots of love. And thank you for your sweet comments on my posts. I know you will come back out of this temporary darkness.

    ReplyDelete
  28. It is always good to get a change of pace. I hope you find your happiness. The holidays are so full of highs and lows. It is hard to keep everything in perspective. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  29. We've all been there and we've all come back from there. Indulge yourself.. get into things that you love. And do let your hero know how you're feeling. That's important too.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Hugs to you Buttons! Hugs from across the ocean... all the way from the "land down under", Australia!

    ReplyDelete
  31. We all have those times. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. I, too, tend to block those sad feelings and thoughts. Look towards the light, think of happy thoughts. Sometimes, it's very hard, sometimes, not at all.
    Hugs to you Buttons.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Dear B, I understand. Am sending you a warm hug and, yes, always giving and getting a smile is priceless :D)

    ReplyDelete
  33. i can surely relate. have been there often myself. especially this time of year it seems...

    hang in there...do whatever makes u feel good.

    ReplyDelete
  34. I'm sorry I'm so late in responding to this post. ((((HUGS))) I know the feeling. I've been feeling the Seasonal Loneliness myself. After my post the other day I just decided that perhaps I'm supposed to be looking for brother's and sister's in life and not worrying so much about the fractured relationships with my blood siblings. So SISTER... I'm here!

    ReplyDelete

The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

Please do not copy my work. If you like it let me know I am sure we can work something out. Copyright is in place.