Friday, January 18, 2013

The First Step!

Most powerful is he who has himself in his own power.
                                        Seneca


It is early in the morning the sun is starting to push its way above the low lying clouds. I am standing at the sink whisking the Milk Replacer into the warm water, it swirls around and creates a funnel, where the powder slips below the warm water and disappears. This is how I feel today, like I will be swallowed up by the fear swirling around inside of me. I have no other option I have to do this, I watch as the powder dissolves. I just have to get through this first step and I will be OK, Get in, get the job done, and then get out. I pour the milk in a bottle I place the nipple on. I am ready.

I slip on my coveralls and those Cadillac boots; I open the door, walk out shut the door then walk down to the gate and unhook the chain holding the gate. I chain the gate open. I walk over and climb into the tractor, a sharp pain runs to my knee, my mind flashes back, I remember. A shiver runs through my now tense body. I can do this.

I concentrate on every little step of my normal routine. I start the tractor up, place the warm bottle of milk behind the seat and drive through the open gate. I pick up two round bales, the tractor tires leave muddy tracks in the ground that was frozen and icy just two days before, a night of heavy rain has melted most of the snow and created a mess of mud and dirty snow banks. I drive back through the open gate, stop the tractor then climb down to shut and chain the gate. I climb back in and head down the long lane way. I drive passed the pump house and watch as the now racing water swirls around the huge beautiful rocks that My Hero had placed in the creek just for me. I love it here, I have to do this.

The cows now hearing the tractor coming start to emerge from the cedar bush, they know I bring their breakfast. I quickly look for Crazy Cow and Cute Calf; they are at the back of the herd still in the trees. My mind races back to that moment of lying face down in the snow. I have to quit thinking of that.

I drop the bales on the ground and lift off one layer at a time, back and forth, dropping hay one layer at a time spreading it all over. This routine fills my mind, I concentrate on maneuvering around the anxious cows surrounding the tractor and munching the fallen hay not looking at me, I have to watch for them. I see Annie now running towards the tractor. She knows I have her breakfast and is waiting for the tractor to stop. I take my time dreading the moment I have to climb out of the tractor and my feet hit that muddy ground.

I am finished and shut the tractor off; I look down and see Annie looking up while standing by the back tire of the tractor. I can do this I grab the bottle and climb down those steps watching to see where Crazy Cow and Cute Calf are before I step off that last step. They are over by the hay on the other side, Crazy Cow has her head buried in the pile of hay and Cute Calf is nursing with her tail wagging. I step off; Annie latches on the nipple quickly. I stand beside the tractor within sight of the Crazy Cow. Annie’s tail is wagging and the bottle is emptying very fast. I concentrate on holding the bottle tight so it does not get bunted onto the ground. The bottle is now empty and I pull it out of her mouth, she never likes this part. I pat her on the head and tell her I will be back later in the afternoon; there will be no follow the leader played out today.

 I climb back into the tractor. She stands there and stares at me.

This is usually where I throw the bottle behind the seat and climb back down to check the cows, with Annie close behind, and we have a little visit with the new calves. This time I sit in the seat and count the cows then the calves. I can see the two cows that should be having their calves next. No signs of impending birth, all is well. I see Crazy Cow and Cute Calf; I swear she is staring at me, taunting me, Could this be my imagination?

 She may think she won for today but I will win tomorrow.

I start the tractor, Annie backs away, I start driving up the lane way. I look in the rear view mirror and Annie is following behind, she finally figures it out and turns and heads back to the herd, her tail wagging.

Well that was the first step, I did it and it will get easier every time, and hopefully my knees will stop shaking.

Later.

49 comments:

  1. I know that feeling with a tight chest oh so well. Phew. I could feel your tension just reading your post. Enjoy the rest of your day.

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  2. Well done....you made that first step! It's so hard I know. I could/can feel your fear. A few years ago I was working in the yards with Hubbie. We had a large number of 2+year olds (big animals as you know) We had only 20 left...thank goodness...and one of the limos went for me totally out of the blue! Hubbie says that I spun round 3 times before I hit the ground. I had 6 stitches in the back of my head and was kept in hospital for 2 nights with concussion. It was so hard going back in to help him sort out and worm the cattle the following week! He said when I was on the ground that 2 of them had jumped over me! I was just so lucky! But the work still has to be done and I'm afraid that I am still sick in the pit of my stomach when I have to deal with big animals. Please, please take care of yourself. I know you will be more aware....but sometimes that can lead to tumbles! We value you and so feel a part of the life you share with with us. Joan

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  3. That was tough but you did it and you're safe.

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  4. Good for you! That first time is always the hardest. Please continue to keep safe!

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  5. Great job! The next time you go out will be a little less stressful. Now go get yourself a warm cup of tea or coffee and relax :-)

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  6. You prepared yourself well. Sweet Annie.

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  7. Really beaut to read. Glad you've done it B... all will be well now :D) xx

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  8. I can feel the tension...and today's relief. One step at a time. And safety first...always. *hugs*

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  9. You made it through with courage Buttons! *hugs*

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  10. Good for you . My knees would of been knocking ! But the way you describe Annie oh I would be with her all day if I could , takes me back to cute cow days she does . It will take time but you will get back into the swing of it again ! Have a great day !

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  11. Sweet Annie! I'm glad it went well for you...hopefully Crazy Cow will soon forget!

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  12. Well done, Buttons! You made that first scary step, were successful, and every day will now build on that success .
    The scary image will be replaced by the number of positive ones following it.

    Crazy cow may have just been having a bad day, and never act like that again.

    Hope your knee feels better soon!

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  13. Proud of you :) my dear friend....M xoxox

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  14. i'm glad you made it, dear! i do feel bad for annie. she's getting short changed of some bonding time because of stupid, old crazy cow. :(

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  15. Nicely done.

    I have the urge to read James Herriot's books again... If you haven't, you should. Start with All Things Bright and Beautiful. :-) It's like reading your life, Buttons!

    Pearl

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  16. Great job. I think you won today.

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  17. they say the first step is the hardest right? good for you! big hugs on a job well done!

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  18. You have had a lot of adventures while I have had the covers pulled over my head!!! I love the boots!!! You will be fine with the cows, and you will get back to snowshoeing!!
    Now I understand your comment about you landed in the water! I have not been on the ice since the freeze, only beside it. In that thaw, the path to get to the mall was ankle deep in water, in places, and that was more than enough for me.
    Years ago, when Jake and Annie were young, DD took them for a walk in March, and Jake went chasing off after a bird, and did not notice that he leapt over a stream. When he could no longer see the bird, he discovered he was on an island, and could not get off. Annie was swimming back and forth, trying to reunite the pack, but Sarah finally had to wade across and drag him through the water, then walk home and dry all three of them. I got home when her boots were in the oven, drying. Jake still thinks water should stay in its dish, where it belongs...

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  19. You are so brave! Each time should get a little easier. I think standing so close to the tractor is the right way to go. Stay strong!!

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  20. Way to get back on that horse, Buttons. Those Cadillac Boots are working for you.

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  21. Good job!!! I bet it was so hard, but now it will continue to get easier each day. Keep it up!

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  22. You poor thing, B.!! I just read your previous post-how terrifying! Good for you for not letting the fear keep you from "getting back on the horse" and I'm glad you are ok, too! Hugs:)

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  23. Congrats! I knew that you could do it!

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  24. Good for you! I've been thinking about you and your situation.

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  25. What leenie said...(((HUGS!!!)))

    and dang if you didnt put up the cutest picture ever taken of a little hereford baby X...

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  26. Good for you for facing your fears, Buttons! Still think you need a big dog. A nice border collie to intervene. Or a big stick. Something. Stay safe. xx

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  27. So, I had to go back and read the previous post to get the whole story. How frightening. You tell a story so well..

    Hard not to let your mind wander to the 'what coulda happened'.. Way to get back on the horse.

    Blessings, Debbie

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  28. a GREAT read today b!! it's all uphill from here!!

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  29. You'll do it. Keep being safe, and baby steps are just fine.

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  30. You are a bigger person than I am. I would have chased Crazy Cow and bumped her with the tractor, just so she knows how it feels.

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  31. One step at a time and you have taken the first step and WON!! {{HUGS}}

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  32. Good job! The next time will be easier, and the time after that, even easier still.

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  33. I've obviously missed something, but I'm glad you were able to do this, for Annie's sake as well as your own!

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  34. Visiting from Vicki's and I think I recognize you as the Buttons who reads Go West Ferral. I also see that you are mourning our dear friend Leontien. I am now a follower. The blogging world seems like a small place at times like these.:)

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  35. Good for you, Buttons! We KNEW you could do it. :))

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  36. Hi, I'm visiting from Viki's 2 Bags Full Party. What a fabulously told story of real life on a farm! I am glad you made it and each time it will be a little easier. Be proud of yourself... you did it!
    Hugs,
    Beth P

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  37. We lived at a farmhouse that had some nasty cows in the fields- limosins I think- most bad tempered animals I've ever met. I applaud your fortitude!

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  38. Well done to overcome the fear and get back into it. A great read too. I was feeling your emotions too.

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  39. You have a lovely blog, thank you for sharing. I am a new follower and 'Grow Your Blog' participant. Have fun at the party!

    Evalina, This and that...

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  40. I had a little adventure yesterday that got my heart pounding -- can't blog about it -- but let me say I hope I never have to do it again!

    Cheers to you -- I think you'll be fine. :)

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  41. You've done well with that first step!

    www.modernworld4.blogspot.com

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  42. yay, good for you...

    the boots...they're good luck!! =)

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  43. My son had a somewhat similar experience with Dolly Llama.....several years ago. Never happened again but it is something you never forget.. I loved your post and I can't wait to read many more!

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  44. You did a great job, writing of your fear and how it's so gripping. If people knew how dangerous farming is, they'd, gladly, pay more money at the grocery store.

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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