Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.
Hello everyone I have missed you. I have been absent for a reason and since I have always tried to be honest with you my Blogger family I would like to share this story with you. It is not a happy tale but not a completely sad tale either. I am so happy to be back and wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate having you all in my life. I wrote this in the middle of the bush in the middle of an emotional week following an unexpected phone call.
I have been sitting in the bush for hours most everyday lately trying to find myself and figure out where and who I am, essentially I feel totally lost in the bush in which I have never felt this alone nor lost.
I have been wandering tree to tree, and tracks in the snow to tracks in the snow following those creatures of the forest hoping to find something to ease the sadness and sense of loss that has entered my family’s life. An event that turned our world upside down shattering our sense of control and since it happened near the holidays our feelings of celebration of joy and jubilation disappeared and were replaced by a sense of denial and profound loss. I am essentially lost in loss.
This day I find myself searching for any little sign that there is more to our world, something I know to be true and have always taken great comfort in but I find myself struggling with this belief. I realize I am not the only one who has these doubts at times like these and I do know it will pass but I need to keep searching to prove this to myself, I need to do something. I wander tree to tree, tracks in the snow to tracks in the snow.
Pulling myself away from supportive and loving family and friends and spending countless hours in the bush, a place that has always given me a sense of purpose and joy seems to be what I need at this time. My younger brother, the one that always seemed to get me in trouble when we were kids and who has always shared this unconditional love and respect for Mother Nature and the outdoors and the peace, tranquility and profound sense of wonder that comes with it passed away suddenly leaving a gaping hole in my heart.
That phone call came and I collapsed in my chair in disbelief, my eyes were staring out the window and I immediately found myself wanting to bolt to the bush and find my brother. Even though I had just heard he was no longer of this world I knew he would be there I just knew it. Comfort lives in the wilderness for us; the simple act of sitting in the middle of a beautiful stand of trees on a rock or an old stump and watching the creatures of the forest do their thing and feeling the soothing arms of solitude and complete peace, where the problems of the outside world seemed to always work themselves out has continually drawn both of us here.
One day I sat there for three hours in the cold bundled up sitting on a Maple branch that had fallen on my rock, the rock that sits on top of the ridge with that beautiful valley below and waited. Waiting for a sign that he was OK and with my Dad and that I was going to be OK and our family could get through this loss. I was so worried about my Mom. The cold frigid temperatures, the wet snow blowing in my face and the tingling of my wiggling to keep warm toes would not stop me from finding what I thought I needed.
Suddenly a flash of grey hurried across the snow followed closely behind by a flash of black, I watched those flashes run up a tree and I could hear chattering. The wind had died down and the trees no longer whispered as they had when I had first arrived while they were bending and swaying. I could hear this constant chattering and a hammering far off to the east, I knew the hammering was a Woodpecker and I wished I could see it but since it was faint meaning far from here and I knew that was not going to happen, I concentrated on the chattering coming from those grey and black streaks which flew from high tree branch to tree branch.
Squirrels, that is what they were, unusually large squirrels playing and laughing or I guess some would call it chattering, they were not worrying one little bit about the girl on the hill watching with the tears in her eyes. They ran up and down all the trees getting closer and closer to the majestic Maple tree with the downed branch where I sat. They scampered across the icy snow covered ground where nut shells from the Hickory trees lie scattered on the ground. Their constant running in circles, climbing up and down, and flying through the trees, full of energy and not wasting any of it exhausted me but exhilarated me at the same time.
I sat there remembering my younger brother and I as children full of endless energy running through the trees laughing and playing hide and seek not worrying one bit about who was watching or listening just like those squirrels. I then knew he was OK and with acceptance and in time so would every one of us he left behind. I knew he was in a wonderful place and he needed us to continue to live our lives and not worry about him. He was running in the bush free among the creatures of the forest we had always admired for their freedom.
Run T Run. We miss you.