Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Lost in Loss!

Thoughts that do often lie too deep for tears.
                 William Wordsworth


Hello everyone I have missed you. I have been absent for a reason and since I have always tried to be honest with you my Blogger family I would like to share this story with you. It is not a happy tale but not a completely sad tale either. I am so happy to be back and wanted to let you all know how much I appreciate having you all in my life. I wrote this in the middle of the bush in the middle of an emotional week following an unexpected phone call.

I have been sitting in the bush for hours most everyday lately trying to find myself and figure out where and who I am, essentially I feel totally lost in the bush in which I have never felt this alone nor lost.

I have been wandering tree to tree, and tracks in the snow to tracks in the snow following those creatures of the forest hoping to find something to ease the sadness and sense of loss that has entered my family’s life. An event that turned our world upside down shattering our sense of control and since it happened near the holidays our feelings of celebration of joy and jubilation disappeared and were replaced by a sense of denial and profound loss. I am essentially lost in loss.


This day I find myself searching for any little sign that there is more to our world, something I know to be true and have always taken great comfort in but I find myself struggling with this belief. I realize I am not the only one who has these doubts at times like these and I do know it will pass but I need to keep searching to prove this to myself, I need to do something. I wander tree to tree, tracks in the snow to tracks in the snow.

Pulling myself away from supportive and loving family and friends and spending countless hours in the bush, a place that has always given me a sense of purpose and joy seems to be what I need at this time. My younger brother, the one that always seemed to get me in trouble when we were kids and who has always shared this unconditional love and respect for Mother Nature and the outdoors and the peace, tranquility and profound sense of wonder that comes with it passed away suddenly leaving a gaping hole in my heart.


That phone call came and I collapsed in my chair in disbelief, my eyes were staring out the window and I immediately found myself wanting to bolt to the bush and find my brother. Even though I had just heard he was no longer of this world I knew he would be there I just knew it. Comfort lives in the wilderness for us; the simple act of sitting in the middle of a beautiful stand of trees on a rock or an old stump and watching the creatures of the forest do their thing and feeling the soothing arms of solitude and complete peace, where the problems of the outside world seemed to always work themselves out has continually drawn both of us here.

One day I sat there for three hours in the cold bundled up sitting on a Maple branch that had fallen on my rock, the rock that sits on top of the ridge with that beautiful valley below and waited. Waiting for a sign that he was OK and with my Dad and that I was going to be OK and our family could get through this loss. I was so worried about my Mom. The cold frigid temperatures, the wet snow blowing in my face and the tingling of my wiggling to keep warm toes would not stop me from finding what I thought I needed.


Suddenly a flash of grey hurried across the snow followed closely behind by a flash of black, I watched those flashes run up a tree and I could hear chattering. The wind had died down and the trees no longer whispered as they had when I had first arrived while they were bending and swaying. I could hear this constant chattering and a hammering far off to the east, I knew the hammering was a Woodpecker and I wished I could see it but since it was faint meaning far from here and I knew that was not going to happen, I concentrated on the chattering coming from those grey and black streaks which flew from high tree branch to tree branch.


Squirrels, that is what they were, unusually large squirrels playing and laughing or I guess some would call it chattering, they were not worrying one little bit about the girl on the hill watching with the tears in her eyes. They ran up and down all the trees getting closer and closer to the majestic Maple tree with the downed branch where I sat. They scampered across the icy snow covered ground where nut shells from the Hickory trees lie scattered on the ground. Their constant running in circles, climbing up and down, and flying through the trees, full of energy and not wasting any of it exhausted me but exhilarated me at the same time.


I sat there remembering my younger brother and I as children full of endless energy running through the trees laughing and playing hide and seek not worrying one bit about who was watching or listening just like those squirrels. I then knew he was OK and with acceptance and in time so would every one of us he left behind. I knew he was in a wonderful place and he needed us to continue to live our lives and not worry about him. He was running in the bush free among the creatures of the forest we had always admired for their freedom.
Run T Run. We miss you.


Later

65 comments:

  1. Oh honey, I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it would feel like to lose one of my brothers. I feel so desperately sad for you. You have such a marvellous insight into life though and I am sure this will help to guide you. Much love xxx

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  2. I'm so sorry, Buttons! My sympathies to you and your family. You've been carrying a lot lately. I've been thinking about you, wondering how you are. It's good to "see you" back again. Hugs!

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  3. So relieved to see you and hear you are coping. I can't imagine the shock and grief. Take care and big hugs from Nebraska.

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  4. Your younger brother , brother of childhood escapades, brother you love. Gone on into eternity. I am sorry to read of this . I will pray for you and your family. What an encouraging and uplifting post in a time of deep grief.

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  5. I am so sorry for this huge loss in your life. I know you will all cling to each other and help each other through this. So glad you have a place of peace and solitude you can retreat to.

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  6. Buttons, I'm extremely sorry your younger brother passed so suddenly leaving you devastated and feeling lost.
    The holidays make it especially hard, but sometimes Mother nature can help ease the pain of loss.

    My thoughts and prayers remain with you, dear one.

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  7. Buttons I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. What a beautiful tribute to him.

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  8. Buttons I'm so sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered, and lost in admiration for your strength and grace during such a difficult time.
    Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Take care of you.

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  9. i am so sorry for your loss. The thought of losing a sibling is difficult to imagine. Your mother must be overburdened with heartache.

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  10. PEACE. May PEACE be a shield upon your heart and may LOVE blanket your wounds as your JOY shall be restored. Rest knowing that you and your family are in the thoughts and prayers of many...may you be comforted by friends and family near and far in the days and weeks ahead. Hugs my friend!

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  11. i have noticed you were not around blogger lands. i will continue to think of you & your Mother. so sorry to hear of your loss. i hope going to your "happy place" inside nature will ease some of the loss & pain. i send you many, many, many hugs. love ya. ( :

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  12. Oh, Buttons! This is indeed sad news. I'm glad you felt comfortable about writing about it and sharing it as I think it will help you through your grief. Sending you BIG cyber hugs!

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  13. Sending big hugs across the country.....
    I know what it's like to lose a younger brother, mine was not sudden though, and we were prepared, I pray for you to find your peace in solitude and in the love of family and friends. And I will pray for his soul.

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  14. Oh, I am very sorry to hear about your loss!!
    Hugs!!

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  15. I feel the same way about nature. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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  16. I am sorry for your loss, B, may God comfort you.

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  17. I am so very sorry for your loss! I wish I could give you real hugs, but these virtual ones will have to do, along with my sincere prayers for comfort and peace for you and your sweet family.

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  18. I am so sorry about the loss of your brother, B. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I'm glad you found some solace in the bush. Mother Nature comforts us and reminds us that there is so much more than what we can see in front of our faces. Sending you big hugs.

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  19. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I am thankful you have the woods to comfort you.
    I understood what you meant, I must be outside and I must be away from the house and people to mourn alone. To be able to wait in that age long minute, to listen for that brush on my cheek or be able to see the sky. All of it will bring to me that peace that all is well. I will pray for you in you loss. Thank you for sharing, I wondered where you had been.

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  20. Oh Buttons I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your lovely brother. Sending you hugs from across the water. Take care of yourself!

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  21. i had been thinking of you and knew you'd return when you could. i am sorry for the loss of your brother. having lost a sister years ago, i know how sobering that is. i know you will all be okay in time.

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  22. Oh Sweet (((B)))
    Holding you close to my heart and sending prayers. I so feel your pain with losing my dad recently during the holidays. You wrote so eloquently about your brother, and sharing this great love of mother nature, and times you both had and have together in the woods. Every time you go out into the woods he will be right there beside you. Taking in all the beauty God has created on earth.
    Sending hugs and love to you and your family.
    Blessings,
    Sandy

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  23. I've been wondering about you! Oh my gosh, I am so saddened to hear of the loss of your brother. My heart goes out to you during this very difficult time. :(((

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  24. Please accept my condolences at the passing of your brother. Sending prayers and hugs! xo

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  25. I too am so sorry for your loss and although it was, is and will be difficult, he is, as you said, free...running free...:)JP

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  26. Oh Buttons, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your post today is a loving tribute to your brother. {{HUGS}}

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  27. I am so sorry for your loss B. May the joyful memories you have of your brother lighten your heavy heart.

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  28. What a struggle to come to terms with a loss. Each of us has our own way to find closure to our losses.

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  29. You did the right thing, searching answers from nature. If nothing else, it is good to be reminded that life goes on both now and in the hereafter. I sure you will return to the bush for comfort, but may our words be with you also.

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  30. Dear Buttons, I am so sorry to hear about your brother. Keep well and be strong dear girl. Look after yourself. How is Mum holding up through the sadness?

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  31. Oh Buttons, I am so sorry for your loss. Any loss is hard, but I can't imagine something so unexpected. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Love and hugs to you.

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  32. Welcome back B. I can just see you sitting out there in the snow...thinking. Thanks for sharing this with us, I know it wasn't easy. Run T Run. What an ending to this post. Stay well. Big hugs from Skoog Farm.

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  33. My thoughts are with you during this difficult time. I am very close to my younger brother and cannot imagine your pain.

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  34. oh (((((buttons)))) i am so very sorry....i wish i could give you a real life hug....i lost my brother unexpectedly a little over a year ago...you and your family are in my prayers....

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  35. "lost in loss"

    what a eloquent way to describe it -


    XOXOX to you and your family always,
    Buttons my friend...

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  36. Oh Buttons, I am so sorry. I lost a brother too, and it was a difficult time for me. Your poor broken heart will heal, I promise, it will take time, but I promise it will be better.

    Bless you dear lady,

    Susan

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  37. Grace,I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you big virtual hugs over the internet.

    Jen

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  38. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your brother. Sending prayers of peace for you and your family.

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  39. Oh Buttons, my heart is breaking for you. I am so, so, so sorry to hear that you and your family have lost T. I am thinking of you, your Mom, your Hero and your girls, as well as the rest of your family.

    Sending you warm, lingering hugs,
    Mandi

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  40. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Take care will be saying a prayer for you and your family.

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  41. I am so sorry for the loss of your brother B. Sending my thoughts and prayers your way.

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  42. So sorry for your loss, my friend. I have missed your blog visits. Now I know what was up. Your writing of this was quite lovely. A beautiful tribute.

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  43. My heartfelt sympathies for you and your family, Buttons. Sudden loss, especially in a younger sibling, must be hard to deal with. I will keep you in my prayers.

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  44. I was thinking about you yesterday as I was wondering what you have been up to since we did not see a post lately on your blog. I am sorry for your loss, Buttons. Sending you lots of hugs, take your time.

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  45. Buttons, I am so very sorry for your loss! Big hugs and prayers for you and your family.

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  46. Oh, Buttons. I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you. Lots of hugs for you.

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  47. Hugs, Buttons, big hugs to you. I'm glad you found some peace in the bush.

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  48. You know!, yes you know I knew something was wrong, we have known each other for many, many years now though we live on the other side of the world.
    I am so sorry to hear of your brother's death, but you know he's up there in heaven with your dad looking down on you and showing you the way :) Hugs M xoxox

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  49. I've wondered where you were and am so sad to hear that this is the reason you weren't blogging. Huge hugs to you and your family.

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  50. Been thinking of you often and worried about what may have tipped your world..........I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss B-- I can't even imagine the hole....... My prayers-love- support and big hugs..... Fondly, Rain

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  51. My heart goes out to you, in your loss. But believe you have already, come to terms with it.

    Gentle hugs,
    Tessa~
    (Upper NE of the US)

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  52. I just came upon your lovely blog. A marvelous place, I can see already.

    Happily, you have many, many people who appreciate this blog... And the lovely way you write and picture, in it.

    So I'll just tag along with all the rest. And thank you for being here.

    Gentle hugs,
    Tessa~
    (Upper NE of the US)

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  53. Only you, dear B, could write so beautifully about such pain.
    Go to the bush and feel the love. Of T, our Mother Nature and all the Divine, and of yourself.
    *Many Hugs*

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  54. what sad news b, may he rest peacefully!!

    i am sending you a big warm hug, from the jersey shore!!

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  55. So very sorry for your loss, I am sure somewhere he ,with your dad is sending love and watching over such a wonderful and treasured sister,such as yourself. Hugs sweet lady, you are in my prayers

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  56. Finding the spirit you both share in nature will continue to be comforting for you , glad you knew where to find him B.

    Heartfelt hug .
    Much Love,
    Willow

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  57. I am saddened for you , for your loss. Your post was so honest and heartfelt it hurt to read, but I could not stop reading. The post was also uplifting and encouraging...you're in my prayers.

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  58. So sorry to hear of your loss. I'm glad you found Peace and comfort in the silliness of a couple squirrels on a cold winter day.

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  59. What a beautiful way to celebrate your brother's life. I am so happy to know you have found comfort in Mother Nature and spending time in the trees and the elements is able to find you a place where you connect with your spirit. Beautiful.

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  60. I am soooo sorry for this terrible loss in your life. Knowing that your strength which you find in nature will help you be strong and give strength to the rest of your family. losses like this are so hard to deal with. prayers and blessings to you in this time

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  61. Ah B! I'm so sorry for your loss and I think going into the Bush was the best place to find the comfort you needed. Nature has such a wonderful way of healing our Souls.

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  62. Oh my dear, I am so so sorry. I am sending you the biggest of hugs because clearly there are no words.

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  63. What Feral said....
    Just don't know what else to say except I am soooo sorry. Hugs my blogger friend.

    Cindy Bee

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  64. I am so sorry, Buttons. I wish I could give you a big hug. He will always be in your heart. Hugs xo Karen

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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