Monday, February 24, 2014

Four thirty...Four thirty one...Four thirty two!

Time,
like a flurry of wild rain,
shall drift across the darkened plane.
                   Sir Charles George Douglas Roberts


It is Sunday morning and I once again roll over to look at the clock, the red numbers glow 4:30…. 4:31…4:32.. I have been tossing and turning trying to not look at that darn clock for a while now. I am sure I cannot possibly be the only one watching a clock that keeps changing click by click. You know you have to get up and head to the little girls room but you really just want to stay snuggled under that fresh fragrant down comforter that you once again pull up over your head trying to block those thoughts that keep your mind racing.

You pull that comforter tight to your nose and smell the fresh air that clings, while remembering it blowing in the wind as it hung on the gate leading to the barnyard because you don’t have a clothesline and had this overwhelming need to be surrounded by this smell all night long, knowing one of many sleepless states were indeed coming, they always come. This wonderful smell reminds you of those beautiful cool nights when your windows are always wide open capturing those fresh, clean, soothing, forget everything smells. If I could sleep outside under the stars every night in this soft comfy bed and not worry about the weather I would. With those soft sounds and the endless breeze blowing over you, a natural lullaby that always lulls you to sleep, with not one clicking clock in sight. 4:33…4:34…There is nothing like the outdoor air. I finally fling that comforter back, that little girl’s room is calling.

I shuffle across the kitchen floor but pause at the window to see the slip of the moon with its moonbeams bouncing off the snow and ice, its brightness dulled by the mist that surrounds. Off to its left is the brightest star in a sky full of stars. Oh this is so beautiful, my eyes take it all in but my heart once again beats faster and my mind races as I think about the day not to mention the week or month that lies ahead. I wonder if I am going to get through all that has to be done…. this day, this week, this month or honestly this year. 


Why do I always taint these peaceful beautiful moments worrying and thinking of what lies ahead instead of just enjoying what is right there in front of me at a given moment? What is the matter with me? Worry and more worry. My Grandma told me long ago that I was like her so I wonder if she would also stand at a window looking at the slip of the moon her eyes taking in all its beauty but her heart beating faster, and her mind racing thinking of things that may or may not happen.  Was she wasting time thinking too far ahead and missing those special moments?

I click the kettle down so I can have a tea as I walk by and decide there is no reason to go back to that fragrant soothing comforter now. Oh yes first the little girls room and  then I will sit in front of that big window with the slip of the moon with its moonbeams dancing on the snow and ice accompanied by that bright star off to its left, it deserves to be seen and not wasted. The sun will rise over the horizon and I will see it all, not wasting one little bit of this day. I look over the clock on the microwave its illuminating white light pierces the darkness…. 4:46.


I am not the only one…. right?


Later

47 comments:

  1. Buttons Good Morning! I am a worrier or should I say I am working at being a reformed worrier. I understand where you are coming from. Last two years I have worked and am learning to live in this moment. When I read your words I see you do live and appreciate your moments. I love your words that describe the moments that make you happy!

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  2. That view is lovely.
    I sleep well my friend, mostly I do, but you might recall that :)
    Take care. Hugs M xx

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  3. I do think that many of us are guilty of this...worrying about things far off, and things that may not even happen anyway, rather than just enjoying each moment. But at least you have the self-awareness to realize this, which is half the battle :)

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  4. Your definitely not alone. I don't worry much during the day - I think I'm just too busy, so most of it comes in the early morning hours when I wake up much too early and don't want to get out of bed. I hope you were able to take a few moments to sit and enjoy your tea and beautiful sun rising without thinking too much ahead.

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  5. Some nights it's not worth it to get in the bed....you may as well stay up and get something done.

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  6. Now that's a wonderful morning . I often think when looking at a lovely scenery like this is how beautiful it is and how nature really gives us a perspective on life and to take all that you can get from natures beauty and wonder and hold on to it and enjoy it as much as you can and how lucky we are to be able to see it in it's glory . Thanks for sharing a wonderful post and photo ! Have a good day !

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  7. This was me this morning. I hasn't happened for weeks, but I know exactly what you mean. It sounds like you *are* taking time to enjoy the moment. I really enjoyed that first photo today. What pretty colours are in your comforter.

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  8. Oh my Dear, what a sad but lyrical post.

    Saying I'm sorry for your in-ability to sleep, doesn't help. Nor does my saying that I don't happen to have this particular problem. You do. And it hurts.

    Wishing all of us, the ability to simply savor beauty, without tainting it, with worry....

    And wishing you courage, with whatever lies ahead...

    Gentle hugs,
    Tessa~

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  9. It seems like for me, it's either early morning or late at night, when I lay there in bed, thinking (or worrying) about what all I have to do...or the kids...or whatever. I'm tempted to go wash our quilts and comforters and hang them out in the breeze today, after seeing your pictures! Hope you're day is great!

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  10. You're not the only one. However, because of this post, I am going to make intentional efforts today to live in the moment. Thank you, my friend~

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  11. oh i hate when that happens buttons!

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  12. Look at all the beauty you do see right there in that moment B. I think a lot of us over thinkers just have to remind ourselves sometimes to just be still and breathe and when do we always see so much. I love the way you think and share your world with us. . We have busy minds ~ we'd be bored if we didn't) , thankfully nature calms us :)) Your not the only one , nope your not alone:))
    Hugs ,
    Willow

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  13. That sunrise was worth getting up for :-)

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  14. I love to gaze at the moon. And always make sure to soak it in on full moon nights. But luckily that is before I go to bed. And I usually sleep well. Usually.

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  15. I'm sorry your worries are keeping you from sleeping good. Most of us have had nights like that and I hope your worries will soon be a thing of the past. Your early morning view is beautiful!

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  16. From Nov 2012 to June 2013 I spent almost every night like this tho I did not appreciate sunrises. It was terrifying for one who did sleep, now they are infrequent and less terrifying< my Dad was an insomniac never sleeping past 4 am I wish I new if he worried too probably he did. I have friends that worry and do not sleep either. You wound such a picturesque sleepless night...

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  17. That is a very early morning, Buttons! I believe I would have headed back to bed.:-)

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  18. Your view is beautiful. I hope you sat and watched the sun come up. You are not alone in worrying. I have been trying very hard not to worry about things I cannot control and just and enjoy each day.

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  19. You are not alone in this. You sound so much like me! I have early mornings like that too, when I wake up and lie there thinking, thinking.... I can feel my heart rate go up and I get so stressed. I try to remember to breathe deep and listen to the sounds around me and be in the moment.

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  20. I rarely worry about what I can't change, and change what I can. That's a lovely sunrise, and seeing that must have made up for the insomnia!

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  21. It would be nice if you were the only one! That would mean that I would not be a clock watcher or a bathroom visitor.

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  22. Oh no, you definitely are not the only one. Worrying is a big problem for me as well. I'm constantly worrying about the future and sometimes find it hard to just be happy in the moment. I pretty much have to remind myself each day to stop worrying! Tomorrow will take care of itself.

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  23. B,

    No you're not the only one. I do this most nights. Get a little sleep and wake watching the clock minute by minute, second by second, until I get frustrated and jump out of bed.

    Why are we like this? Everyone else in the house is sound to sleep.

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  24. You are not. We were sipping our tea and looking at the same moon this morning at 4:46...

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  25. Nope, not the only one B. Although your mind seems to race to the day it also sounds like you do take in the moments too :) Love those photos the ice and the quilts on the gate are beautiful!

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  26. Four in the morning--that nowhere time when it's too late and too early yet the brain is on spin cycle. I've so been there. If we weren't in such different time zones I'd say call me. But you're about three hours ahead of me so, unless you really need someone to listen, maybe not. LOVE the smell of bedding hung in fresh air!

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  27. My little alarm clock (aka Moon) wakes me each morning...wants a kiss, and a pat, then returns to her bed...as do I. I then sleep until 5:30 so I can be outside with the dogs. What wakes you up? Your thoughts? ...:)JP

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  28. Don't worry! This was so beautifully written. You have a real gift B and it is what makes me come back over and over again. I know these moments. It is hard not to worry some times.

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  29. Sometimes you need a beautiful view and the quiet of early morning to do some serious thinking. By the time the sun comes up, you just get tired of all that thinking and you start doing. Doing keeps your mind off things. I would hate to get up from those sweet smelling quilts, too. Hugs xo Karen

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  30. You're not the only one. I usually sleep all night no problem. But with calving, I am such a worry wart. Power naps on the couch. Then BOOM, wide awake, time to go check heifers. Even if we were there 15 mins ago! ha

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  31. You are definitely not the only one. I worry too sometimes. I would love to sleep under a comforter that has been outside, love that smell. Fabulous images!

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  32. I used to worry about lots of things that never came to fruition... relax! :)

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  33. Well Buttons, the one good thing and I mean it about not seeing was I couldn't see clocks. At all, so when I would wake up in the morning like you did in this post, I just couldn't tell what time it was, so I would listen to the house settle, the sound my husband breathing and try not to worry about what ever it was on my mind. Now though I can see the clock and I can tell what time it is, I think it is good though.
    I love the picture of your quilts on the fence. I bet it does smell nice to bring them back in the house. Have a lovely week.

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  34. There is something very special about seeing the day in. I do wish it weren't so hard to quiet the mind.

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  35. Well, I can't say I spend much time appreciating the moon at 4:30 am. But in the spring, I do love getting up at 5:30 and going for runs in the crisp air, before everyone else is up for the day.

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  36. Afternoon B. I 'm speedreading my way around the blogisphere trying to catch up. Always love you stories!

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  37. Oh, dear. For some of us, 4:30 is about the time we get to sleep, having been in bed for numerous hours, occasionally watching the clock (not the moon). Grrrr.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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  38. A beautifully written post. It saddens me a little as your mind seems to be in turmoil and keeps you awake. I used to have times like that when I was working but not so now that I am retired. My son in law doesn't worry much even though he is broke. My daughter is a worrier like I used to be. He says "Worrying wont change anything except make you feel worse" He has a point.

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  39. My husband is the worrier but I do see 4:30 in the morning waaayy too often!

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  40. i use "sleep assistance" buttons, if you know what i mean ;)

    what a gorgeous sunrise!!

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  41. Right... but, as you say, there's always a little rewards for being up at that time. Looking out through the window and up at the sky can be breathtaking ;D)

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  42. No, you are not alone, I've heard many talk of worries keeping them awake and troubling them all day. You choose wisely to live each and every moment of the present. The future will take care of itself, our worry can not help anyone.

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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