Friday, May 16, 2014

An Old Friend and Broken Pieces!

Every sense hath been o’erstrung,
and each frail fiber of the brain sent forth
her thoughts all wild and wide.
                    George Gordon Byron (Lord Byron)

                     
Lying on the couch eating more bad food and drinking pop in the middle of the day watching yet another movie on Netflix with the curtains drawn tight shutting out a world I felt I needed to escape, I suddenly heard the most wonderful sound penetrating the window glass outside in that scary world. I turned the volume down on the TV.

I tried to pull myself off that couch where the deep hole that I had created by not moving tried to hold me in place, I struggled to get out of this hole I had dug, I knew I had to get to that window to see if it was indeed an old friend I had been missing. I pulled back the curtains and the blinding light made my world disappear into a tunnel for an instant, my eyes burned and I clamped them shut; that wonderful persistent sound still echoed in my head. The light slowly crept into my eyes as I opened them little by little. There she was standing tall, her head stretched out as far as it could go, she was looking at me with her beady little eyes from below and standing on a  ground now covered with luscious green flowing grass and yellow dandelions. I wondered how the world outside could have changed so much in these last days while my world had spun furiously and kept me from seeing as I cowered in the darkened room. She cackled away and I knew what she was saying was something important.

The day my sisters and I had finally all agreed that we could no longer give our Mom the care her Alzheimer’s needed and we had found that special caring place that she now calls home, even by knowing she was now safe, a big piece of my heart and soul crashed to the floor and shattered into many pieces, feeling defeated, helpless and an extreme sadness I kept going as best I could, always dragging those pieces behind me hoping to someday pick them up and place them back where they belonged.

Packing up that house where my father had passed away years before while leaving my Mom surrounded with boxes of memories of a life of love and turmoil broke a few more pieces off my heart and soul every day with each stuffed box we piled high; my broken pieces continued to gather at my feet one by one. They were being dragged along mixed with the others and I did not know if I would ever get them all gathered up again but still clung to them and hopeful it was all going to work out.

Then there was an auction where I watched five generations of memories sold to the highest bidder which had me trying to gather as much of those memories as I could, afraid of losing a heritage that I desperately felt I needed to hold onto. Subsequently more pieces of me fell to the ground with every article I watched walk out that door with a stranger knowing they knew none of those wonderful stories that were attached. There were pieces of Buttons scattered everywhere and then I knew I was indeed in trouble because I had never been very good at puzzles and there were now so many tiny pieces, I tethered them together as best I could and kept going on with my life, a life I had created and loved before all those pieces started falling. I thought I was doing pretty well even with those missing and broken pieces all jumbled together dragging behind.

The Christmas holidays had me retreating into a world where I did not want to go and where I found those broken pieces mixing all together confusing me to no end. I convinced my loving daughters and My Hero that I was doing OK and just needed a bit more time to work things out, that was a lie and I knew it; I was not OK. My girls after the holidays went off to their busy lives far away and My Hero went back to his normal work routine and since the farm and the animals needed me I dove right in, trying to forget those broken pieces dragging at my feet trying to trip me up and make me stumble.

A phone call a week later about a brother I loved and could not help crushed those remaining pieces of me into a fine dust that scattered to the ground and covered those already broken pieces, every one of them. I was now a hollow shell trying to convince myself that I never needed those pieces in the first place but even so desperately clinging to them and keeping them at my feet, even though I could not see them I hoped they were still there.

This day as I look out this window from this dark room of sadness and a misery of my own creation, the light of the outside world pouring through the window with the curtains now wide open blinding me staring into the eyes of a turkey that also seemed to be lost who came with a message; I knew I had to listen. I knew she had to be very brave to stand in the open in the middle of the day near the road calling up to this broken pieces girl till she hopefully pulled back those curtains to listen.

There is nothing left to do but start to create a new world with new pieces as well as some of those broken pieces that I will be gathering up and sorting through, they may not fit as well as they used to but I will get them all back in there somehow. The dust has since blown away so it will not be retrieved and it may take some time and a little help from my friends, but I will do it. The pieces now dirty and a little worn from being dragged along are going to fit somehow and so am I going to find my place, thanks to a very brave Mother Hen Taunting Turkey that came with a message of hope and  filled with a determination who dared to be heard.

I watched as this Old Mother Hen Taunting Turkey walked to the back of the house and hopped over the page wire fence to join the rest of her friends who were waiting in the field behind and knew right that moment that things were going to work out and I would be whoever I was meant to be, it may just take some time.

Thank you my friends.


Later 

39 comments:

  1. You are the most courageous woman I have ever met, and I will never ever eat turkey again...bless you for leaving that darkness, and bringing light to everyone who are were you are. You are a delightful, brave, kind and incredible human being. Now I say this that you learned the hard way that losing your heritage can not make you lose the wonderful human being you are. May Grace keep you and bless you with the knowledge that you are the beautiful heritage from wonderful people...

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  2. Prayers and a big ole tight hug, Miss B. Please remember that your sunshine beams bright through the broken pieces. Your family and friends are here to support you.

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  3. I wish I was closer...I would come over with a cup of something hot to drink, and a plate full of something gooey and sweet to munch on, and we could sit and watch the turkeys from your window! Hugs from PA my friend!

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  4. Buttons, hang in there my friend. If you can, go out for a hike in the bush, take Leo, and just enjoy yourself. You deserve a bit of time just for yourself.

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  5. she did, indeed, carry an important message for you.

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  6. You have been through quite a lot this past year! Sending good thoughts your way, HUGS!!

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  7. Dear friend,my heart goes out to you and a prayer also. HUGS!!!!

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  8. Dearest Buttons .. Ms. Turkey is an unusual messenger but how could one not have a huge grin crack open a sad face seeing and hearing her tell you "look at me !"
    I'm so sorry about all the sadness you have had to struggle with .. but hopefully you will have more messengers with "hope and happiness" as the message to cling to.
    Take care !
    Joy : )

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  9. Sometimes messages come in unique ways....but they are there for our taking!...:)JP

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  10. I am so glad that you have reasoned through your grief. I think that part of healing is so hard to get too. The part that is the most scary to me is when I can't get through it and just keep saying I am fine, then it hits like a dark pit deeper than I ever think I could go. It sounds like that Momma Turkey helped you. I have spent so many days in the dark rooms with Netflix. :) I totally understand what you are saying.
    There is a old song by Carly Simon, and in it the lyric says, "there is more room in a broken heart" I have thought about that over and over. I have come to think it might just be true. I hope you are able to get your legs under you soon, and thank you for sharing. I would have never been able to have thought it out as well as you have done. You have had so many huge changes hit you at once. Hugs from me to you.

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  11. Thank you for trusting us and sharing your deepest thoughts. Hugs from Linda@Wetcreek Blog

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  12. So many loses to grieve - I'm glad you opened that curtain and saw another creature who spoke to you and encouraged you.

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  13. Prayers being sent your way Buttons. You have been through so very much.

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  14. i wish i could reach across the miles and give you a big hug, dear. i know it's hard, but try to remind yourself of how wonderful your memories are, where many people are burdened by them. it's difficult to let go, but your broken pieces are now bringing joy and future memories to new families. your family is spreading the love it has created. and i think that's worth celebrating....thinking of you, sweetie.

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  15. Oh dear Buttons. Now I know why you were dug in deep on that couch. I think I would be too. Such a lot you have been through. I am glad you can still see so much beauty.

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  16. Buttons, hang in there. Sending along hugs in spirit and positive vibes your way.

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  17. Oh B...send love and positive thoughts to you. I know how it feels to let the couch consume you (I have had a similar day of it today). You have a lot in your head right now and I hope that one of those things is a knowledge of how much you mean to people...how much this blog means to people. You are so nice and it shines through every post and I am always excited to read that Buttons has commented on my blog x

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  18. Those turkeys can put a little smile on our faces, even if the smile might be a little crooked.
    Hang in there. I just went through this with my grandmother and father. 7 years for my father. 3 years with my grandmother.
    Cheri

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  19. You've given a very poetic description of your journey. The metaphors you use describe the situation well. You've admitted a problem. From now on you put the pieces back together. there may be a couple of pieces missing but you will survive.

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  20. Big hugs to you B, you'll make it!

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  21. ... all such beautiful comments above, and I'll just add that don't go thinking the time spent on that couch was wasted. You needed it didn't you. Got to have time out just for yourself.
    Take care, we can't control what happens in our lives (mores the pit), but we can certainly do something about how we deal with it... and you've dealt with it admirably.
    Good on that taunting turkey - brave little creature she was too. She was definitely a sign. Big hugs and I raise my best china cup to you Dear B :D)xx

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  22. Oh, Buttons, you have been through so much this past year. I hope the turkey talking to you is the beginning of healing for your. Remember the good memories and look forward to your daughter's up-coming wedding. Sending you good thoughts and big hugs.
    Barb

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  23. That turkey was there for a reason, I am glad you told us why.
    The Auctions of which you love, you had to endure all of your parents things gone forever in one you didn't care for. My dear friend, you have come through, good on you..take care. Hugs M xx

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  24. You have described your feelings well and just the act of sharing your feelings with us is a start to putting the pieces back together. I am glad the turkey brought you back into the real world and I hope like her you can hop over the fence of sadness and worries and join your friends who are waiting for you.

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  25. Buttons I am so sorry that you have been through so much the past few months. I am glad to be a part of your blogging family though and be a part of this community that you can confide in. I will be sending many happy thoughts your way my friend. We're always here for you.

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  26. Buttons I was just coming over to see how you were doing my friend (I was even going to send you a personal email , which I am not very good at I'm afraid) to let you know I care about what your going through .It sounds like your working it through and sorting it all out , taking a thoughtful break , as hard as it is ~ your working it through.
    Nature is giving you little signals that she is there waiting for you when you are ready to soak up some of her healing energy. We care, we care, my friend . Big hug,
    Willow

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  27. Guardian angels can take any form... even a turkey!
    Trust that God has a plan for you, He will never desert you, and His love for you is stronger than any ties you may have to any thing or creature on earth.

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  28. Life is no easy road to travel. It is good you are not alone on your journey. It is good you can write and then it is so very difficult. I know, I understand, and I am sending hugs as my word never will be enough. Hugs and love from me. Wet licks and furry hugs from Samson.

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  29. You've been through so much in such a short time my friend; and no one can be strong all the time. Forgive yourself for not being who you thought you should be (like you would forgive a dear friend for struggling in difficult circumstances) and remember that you are loved for who you ARE.

    My father used to say that life sometimes breaks our hearts to make more room in them; I salute your roomy heart.

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  30. Sending you a big BIG hug. Thank heaven for persistent turkeys. Keep plugging along, lean on your Hero, your daughters and on us. We all love you. Dig your way out of that hole, one shovelful at a time.

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  31. I am so sorry my friend. This post makes my heart ache for you. Great Big Hugs coming your way.

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  32. oh dear one, i've been away and not reading blogs for a bit. you have really dug yourself a hole! well, now that you have hit bottom, there is no place to go, but up.

    "tough love"... left with lots and lots of gentle hugs attached...

    this is a quick comment, as i am catching up with blogs, after our trip to our "grand's" graduation from university.

    gentle hugs,
    tessa~

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  33. Prayers for you! You have got message in a different way!

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  34. Dear B, I am so sorry you've had so much come down on you lately. I'm glad the turkey brought you the message of life.

    Every time I visit the area where I grew up (I did so this past week), I end up depressed and sad at what has passed away and will never be again. My father is gone and my mother lives in an assisted living home in a nearby city. I rarely see my brothers or cousins, and I feel cut off from what used to be so life sustaining. Like you, I have to concentrate on building a new life, putting the pieces that fit from the old life into the new life.

    Thank you, as always, for trusting us with your thoughts and your cares. Hugs to you.

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  35. I'm glad you listened to the turkey, Buttons. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I'm sending you cyber hugs!

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  36. You are a sensitive, caring and creative soul, Buttons. You will take those pieces and create a new picture - a beautiful picture, always containing the love from the old.

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  37. Leave it to the animal world to bring us around and set us right.
    I feel for you my friend. Bless you!

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B