Monday, May 5, 2014

Crash!

It is only the constant exertion and working of our sensitive,
 intellectual, moral, and physical machinery
that keeps us from rusting, and becoming useless.
                                      Charles Simmons


Today I sit here in front of this computer, there will be no running downstairs to pull on those coveralls, those Pink Cadillac Boots nor picking a hat for the tractor ride to visit the girls, at least that is what I have been telling myself since I pulled myself out of bed at ten this Friday morning. I have finally crashed after months of trying to juggle all the things in my life that needed to be done. I must say I should have known this would eventually happen all the signs were there, those sleepless nights, those constant yawning moments and those tears without reason. I have hit a wall of life and may not be able to bounce over this as easily as I thought; it seems to be impenetrable. My body has truly betrayed me.

The last few months have been physically demanding on this poor old body of mine, I cannot believe I am still throwing wood into the basement and feeding that woodstove, it is May for goodness sake, something that used to mean something, as far as warmth goes. The calving season moved along quickly with some unfortunate losses, something I still have a hard time getting over. Except for a few stragglers we should be done soon.


 Every muscle in my body aches, a pain unlike the Fibromyalgia pain I have grown used too, well as used to as anyone can, to an unrelenting constant pain that rips at your skin and constantly burns. My fingers shake as I type this and I think of going back to lie down. I know I must find a way to get down those stairs and throw some more wood in that ravenous stove but the thought of those heavy wood pieces seems overwhelming, I procrastinate.

I know I am not the only person who puts everything they have into taking care of everyone and everything at the expense of themselves. While listening to the rain bounce off the kitchen window I am still having second thoughts about dragging my betraying body down those stairs and getting ready to go check on the girls. It is times like these that I wish someone else lived here on the farm someone that could help this girl who just wants to go back to bed and shut the world out, if only for a little while.


Well I should go, there are no excuses those cows do not care if I am sick they need me and darn it I am going to make it back there if I have to drag my body across the lawn and pull myself into that tractor. I’m coming girls.


I will be taking a little Blogging break to try to figure out what went wrong with my betraying body and get back into tip top shape so I can once again take care of everything and everyone that needs me. If that sun would come out it sure would make a difference; is that really too much to ask?

Hope to see you all soon.


Later

62 comments:

  1. I hope you are feeling better soon. Hang in there.

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  2. Sending along hugs, Buttons. We must be sure to take care of ourselves before we are really able to take care of anything else! Wishing you the best! xo Nellie

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  3. I hope you get some good, restorative rest . . AND - I hope it's warmer today.

    love & love to YOU,
    -g-

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  4. Feel better - spring will come even if it's a little late :-)

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  5. I hope you get lots of good rest and that you feel much better very soon. Sending you a big HUG!

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  6. I'm sorry Buttons! I'll be praying for you to be feeling rested and better soon! Enjoy the break!

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  7. I have found that if we don't take of ourselves, the body will break down, making sure that we HAVE to take the rest that is needed.

    Take care and rest up B.
    {{hugs}}

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  8. i am sorry, buttons. whether this is a fibro flare or something else entirely, i do hope you can get thru it.

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  9. Us women do go above and beyond to take care of everything, putting ourselves on the back burner.
    Take care of yourself. I hope you get better.
    If I could, I would send you sunshine your way.
    Sending sunshiny, happy, pretty thoughts your way.
    Cheri

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  10. Do take care!
    You will be missed.
    I hope you are feeling better soon.

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  11. Oh...I so understand, sweet friend.
    It seems these days I spend more time in Flares than not. For me, I have to take care of the most important things and know it is OK to let other things go for the time being. And the wood-stove! Oh, how I know what a pain (literally!) feeding the stove is. When J was travelling a lot for work and I was home for a month at a time without him, that was so hard. I feel for you...I hope the weather turns soon for you.

    Please take of You. Take care of only what is necessary. Your girls and other living creatures that need you. And taking care of them is good for the soul! The house doesn't need vacuumed, dishes can wait...
    Just love yourself right now and reach out for help!

    Much love and very gentle hugs..
    xo, misha

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  12. B,

    It's so hard to get motivated and have the energy to go out and feed the animals when you're feeling badly.

    I so feel youe pain my friend, there are days the pain is so bad I don't want to get out of bed either.

    I don't have fibromyalgia (SP?), I have severe arthritis in my spine, hips, feet, and hands. Have you tried using a heating pad to help a bit?

    Take time to take care of yourself!!!! Sending you hugs my friend.
    Sandy

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  13. your body is talking to you, loud and clear! and you'd best listen to it.

    you can't help anyone or anything, if you go down in a heap. please remember that.

    please.

    please.

    please.

    gentle hugs,
    tessa~

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  14. Sorry to hear this!! Hope you feel better very soon.

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  15. Sending along gentle healing vibes your way, Buttons. Fibromyalgia is one of the worst ailments to have. I know. Have a good break! Hugs.

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  16. I have been aching from head to toe as the air has been damp and chilly more then sunny, warm and dry the few past weeks, my body is very affected by the weather and change in air pressure , Hope you get better soon . I found out I have Fibro and Rheumatoid Arthritis to go with my menopause oh great a double triple whammy ! Get some well deserved R&R and see ya in blog land soon !

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  17. Buttons I hope you feel better soon! Sounds as if you need a breather - some "you" time and time to unwind. I know others with fibromyalgia and they speak of what a toll it takes. Please don't neglect yourself, my friend. I'll be sending positive thoughts your way!

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  18. Get some rest, Buttons. We will all be here when you get back. And you don't have to worry about us either ;))) Linda@Wetcreek Blog

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  19. So sorry to hear that you are suffering. I hope your rest time will help, and that you take time for yourself... pamper yourself a little too. Can you hire someone to help with chores for a few days? I know what it's like to hit a wall, mine is usually more an emotional wall than physical, in fact, I am pretty sure it was one of those walls that I hit last night.

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  20. Hoping hard for some healing sun for you...in the meantime take care and rest as much as you can.

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  21. Prayers and hugs for you Buttons!

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  22. Just remember, it's hard to keep a good gal down, and you are one of the good ones! Hurry back.

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  23. I know this was a crazy busy season for you all. I'm sending love and light your way for healing. Take care friend.

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  24. Dear B, what's the point of flogging yourself when you feel so low? Stay in bed and don't get out until you have a Dr's appointment. Put it this way, if you physically couldn't get out of bed... life would still go on, things would get done that need to be.
    Are you sharing how you are really feeling with your Hero??
    We're all only human and there are limits of endurance.
    In Australia I've heard of people who've successfully had volunteers come and stay at their property for a while. Work in exchange for food and lodging and a farming experience. For example, there's an organisation called WWOOF (World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms) and I've just googled "WWOOF Canada" and there is a branch.
    I mean all that I've said in a warm and supportive way B, I do hope you can get help real soon.
    Big hug :D) xx

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  25. Me again B, I've just googled "volunteers on Canadian farms" and found this site:
    http://www.helpx.net/hostlist.asp?host_region=406&network=4

    Just reading the Testimonials section gives you an insight into what is possible.

    Just a thought ... bye for now :D)xx

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  26. You describe the situation well and it's not uncommon. It's also not your fault. Enjoy your break and get back to enjoying life.

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  27. B. I better get a passport so I can come up and help you! You are not all that far from here. Very sorry that you are not feeling well. Take the break so you can get back to normal. Farm girls are different from all the rest. You are one tough cookie. Big hugs.

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  28. No a little sunshine is not too much to ask. I Feel the same way. I hear it's supposed to warm here here on Wed and Thurs so maybe that would help you. Just do the minimum that needs done for a few days and take a break. Long hot baths remember....tea....relax...If you don't take care of you, you can't take care of anyone else.

    Cindy Bee

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  29. Grace, sweetie....sending big hugs over the internet, and hoping that a rest will help.

    Take the very best care of yourself, that candle can't burn at both ends for long.

    Jen

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  30. You need to find out what is going on and take the time you need. This isn't your first "crash" -- I'm worried about your health. You work so hard, doing so much hard manual work (we don't have cattle and I still get really tired). Take good care of yourself. Rest. Come back when you can. In the meantime, you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  31. Rest and pace yourself, Button. For some reason this year, I too am feeling my limits more keenly. Slowing down and taking frequent breaks is hard and inconvenient but it's the only remedy I have tested successfully so far.

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  32. I feel it is definitely time to take care of numero uno. You are so important in the scheme of things and must be mentally and physically capable of coping. If not, then take the rest you need as much as you can. I know how mentally strong you are and you will make it once again back to the wonderfully caring person you are. Your Hero needs you as do the cows but I am sure they will forgive you wholeheartedly for this lapse.
    I know how difficult it is when our bodies ache so badly and we just don't want to get out of bed. At 82 I am fortunate enough, although do always get up, not having big demands on me any more.
    My thoughts are with you dear friend and you just come back to us when you are good and ready and hopefully feeling on to or your world once again.xx

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  33. ah Buttons, if I can be so bold as to borrow Mimsie's comment before me "my thoughts are with you dear friend and you just come back to us when you are good and ready" I've a cousin with FM though I have no idea of what it is to live with it, I have seen its effects..I hope you are feeling better soon...take good care xxoo Lynn

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  34. Hope you are soon feeling much improved. Thinking of you - Hugs M xx

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  35. Oh, Buttons, please take care of yourself. Take all the time you need. You have your daughter's wedding coming up this summer and need to be feeling well for that!
    Sending prayers that you will be feeling better soon. Hugs, Barb

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  36. Oh, my sweet friend, I hope you are able to get back into tip top shape soon! I'm so sorry you are having to hit this wall. Please take care of yourself. (((HUGS)))

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  37. I so wish we were closer!
    Take care of yourself, and know that we're here when you come back. ((hugs))

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  38. Well, the sun is out today, and I have laundry on the line. I hope you are feeling better, and I will be waiting for you...

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  39. Good for you for recognizing that you need to slow down! Take care and we'll look forward to more "Thoughts" when you're ready to share them.

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  40. At our age we just can't keep running on empty for very long, can we? These old bodies need love and attention and sometimes it can only come from us, the person who so willingly gives to others must now spend time willingly giving to ourselves. Take that time, my Dear, to just hang around attending to only the most dire of needs and spend the rest on yourself. There is something to be said for a cozy week holed up in bed. It's amazing what a few days like this can do to restore your spirit. Hugs xo Karen

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  41. Hot baths, Epsom salts, long soaks, warm blankets, hot tea, lots of sleep. Doctors orders.

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  42. Buttons:

    Time to delegate some of the things on your plate. Your body is telling you it wants some down time. Take care.

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  43. No worries about posting. What's most important is for you to take the time you need to rest, relax and regroup. Sending hugs & prayers your way.

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  44. Buttons, I am sorry and wish my words could make it better.

    I've done exactly what has happened and have been directly there from the same malady. I, too, had no name for it. Going back to my raising, I called mine laziness and thought no different.

    Someones my should's and have-to's are so overwhelming I just shut down and rest. I know that is not a option with you. Hang in there and rest a little more than you usually allow yourself.

    Farming and ranching are not for the weak. Often I wish for a small house in seclusion somewhere with no animals or responsibilities. This is the life we chose and we're tough. You and I will both soar above this "delay" and succeed like we always have.

    You're in my thoughts.

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  45. Oh Buttons, I so know how you feel. I'm on my way to a crash too. I've never felt so "on empty". I hope you feel better soon. I know the girls need to be taken care of, but when you are done, REST!

    Take care!

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  46. did the same took care of my family, single mother, work that I loved, worked like 3 took care of everybody, I didn't last as long you did. I died at 42. Yep Broke the top of my head the bottom of my toes...never got better destroying my nervous system. so take a breather a long one, and look for others to help you, because you have right not to work and live like 3 people...
    You take care of yourself 'ya hear
    and big, big hugs

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  47. Oh B. So sorry to hear it has caught up to you ~ ... I do know this feeling with the crash . Remember this too shall pass , use your coping skills , enjoy those moments you can and get some rest . Remember your not alone kid . Huge hug.
    Willow

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  48. Just popping back with wishes that you are able to grab some rest and might be feeling a little better.
    Having a blog break helps too. Peeling off things from your daily routine lessens the pressure a lot.
    Big, warm and kind hugs to you B :D) xx

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  49. Oh no! I was wondering where you'd been. I hope you are starting to feel better. I'm sorry you've been feeling so awful!

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  50. Ah, I'm sorry you're under the weather. Take care of yourself first and foremost. And, no matter how we try, we can't save all the world all by ourselves. Get better soon.

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  51. Rest. Take a break and just breathe in the beauty that surrounds you. Find some quiet solitude in Mother Nature and let it help to heal you. I am exhaling all of my good positive vibrations and intentions out into the Universe for you! Breathe them in a restore your weathered soul. You are not alone! Aloha

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  52. Oh I am so sorry, I hope you feel better now. Every thing you said is so true, it is hard when our bodies betray us. I hope you got to rest a bit. You are right though about the animals.
    Nothing makes me get up like feeding my animals.
    I hope the cold goes away so you can get better. I know warmth will make you feel better. Sending a hug your way.

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  53. Oh dear! Another soul betrayed by her body. All because you have been tying too do too much — though you have little option.

    I don't have to do very much in order to be betrayed by my body. Or my mind. (That's why I'm taking a "depression break.") I do hope you are much better, very soon.

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

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  54. OH DEAR! Get that rest!!! You need it and things will get handled one way or another. Sounds like that wall just rushed up and smacked you. Take care of yourself - that is what people keep telling me but I know how hard it is to take that time for ourselves... easier said than done sometimes. And I also know the betrayal our bodies can dish out... I don't FEEL like I'm ageing but my body screams back from time to time... OH YES... YOU OLD BROAD... YOU ARE GETTING OLDER. The skitch. :) HUGS to you my friend and REST.

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  55. oh! hugs my friend, I too know the frustration of my body's betrayal, you can only push so far though then the pain pushes back. I hope you are resting well and on the mend soon

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  56. i have missed you buttons, i hope you are feeling better!!

    it sounds as if you are climbing a mountain, i hope you get to the top soon....and enjoy the awesome view!!

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  57. now woman,,,didn't we have this conversation? wish I could be there to help you; I know, all too well, what's going on...all work and all work will, eventually, make your body give out. I do understand about the work needing to be done; so true. the animals don't care, they need to be taken care of. are you able to get away for a weekend to sleep late, take hot baths and have someone else fix your meals? that would help so so so much! buttons, you're in my prayers.

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  58. I am so sorry to here your not doing well.. Take care my friend.

    Hugs~

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  59. I hope the doc can give you an answer for these new pains. Take care of yourself Buttons!

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  60. I like that little sign--button not working. Hope you are feeling better and the sun has found its way to you.

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The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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