Thursday, November 10, 2011

The Edge!

For the shades are about us that hover
     When darkness is half withdrawn,
And the skirts of the dead of night cover
     The face of the live new dawn.

                  Algernon Charles Swinburn

   Wednesday morning 6:30 am I dragged my butt out of this suffocating hole I have been living in. The hole I had created to protect myself. I pulled myself up; I threw on my hiking shoes and headed to the bush. I sat on a rock in the misty fog surrounded by this darkness. I sat waiting for the sun to come up. I sat there hoping the orange jacket I was wearing would make me visible to any trespassing hunters. I sat there surrounded by the trees and the quiet. The only sounds were a passing Blue Jay and the voices in my head saying, “Get over it, you are tougher than this.”
 We have been farming this land for 32 years and we have pretty much seen it all. The good, the bad, and the ugly. This past week was the ugly.
 I have been wallowing in self-pity the last two weeks going through this thing that was out of my control. The memories of other bad times close to the surface, after a year of writing Our Journey, these stories making me a little more vulnerable.
  Life goes on and most people can get through these tough times to carry on. I think, as I get older it seems I may be closer to that invisible edge. This edge I have be teetering on dealing with the stresses of farming for years. I hope not.

 I sit back on this rock in the semi dark and go over, and over the events of this past week. The total loss of control; the visions of the autopsies of two stockers that I had raised and cared for since their birth, one being Arnold. Watching a perfectly healthy stocker walking in the field in the morning then dying just hours later. We lost three stockers in one week. The unknown was terrifying. We now know the reason, and it has been dealt with, and hopefully it will be over. We find out Bossy may have been a victim of the same set of circumstances; that we will never know for sure. Everyone is safe now.

 I watch as the darkness starts to turn a misty pink. The sun is finding its way over the trees. I get off my rock, I dust myself off and I go to enjoy the beauty I am so incredibly lucky to be able to enjoy. People all over are dealing with a lot worse.
 I am back, writing keeps me sane. Thank you all.



  1. I am so sorry for the loss of your stockers. It sounds like it has definately been a trying time for you. Keep writing. Keep finding moments of peace and hang on to them. Sending you prayers and hugs.

  2. Welcome back sis knew you would make it :):):)P

  3. I'm sorry for what you are going through at the moment. It sounds as if it has been really tough on you.
    Maybe now that you know the reason for what has been happening will help you to move forward.
    Sending you lots of good wishes and hugs.
    Take care!!!!

  4. You are surrounded by nature. I sit in an office all day. I think your strength lies in nature.

    Hope things brighten up Buttons.

  5. God bless you. Hopefully you will one day be able to look back on this terrible experience and see that the words of Paul in Romans 8:28 are true.

  6. Like you, I find that spending time in nature helps to ground me, and gives me perspective.

    Beautiful pictures!

  7. I'm sorry for the losses you've had this past week...and am glad you've found some answers as to why! I hope your week (and beyond) only gets better!

  8. What a hard week.
    How terribly I'm sorry for your losses.
    I know how you feel.
    Would you be willing to email me about your findings?
    I hope everything brightens up.

  9. Hey Farmer email me your email address and I will get back to you. B

  10. terribly sorry... i can only imagine how sad (and utterly frightening) that would have been. glad you know the cause, and hope the rest of your herd will be okay...

  11. There is something about time walking and sitting and thinking especially in such fine surroundings that can help a person put things in their place and find some peace. I'm glad you've found some answers and hope very much that there is some bright sun in your future.

  12. Oh my.
    I was wondering what had happened. This last month was so challenging at our place for me. And yet, I hate complaining about it simply bc I am blessed with so much.
    But, honestly, I got to that line in the middle of it. I kept going and did all that needed to be done. And I did find strength and abilities I didn't know I had.
    And today, I am sitting a state away taking a few much needed days off. Sometimes, just walking out in the pasture is enough, but this time I needed a total break. This is the first time for something like this in many years.
    Keep writing and taking those pictures. Answers will come, and hope again. Thank you for all your encouragement to this new girl.

  13. i just caught up on your last several posts. i'm so sorry for your loss and your struggling with choices. farming is a difficult life. i saw my grandparents farmland deteriorate as they did. i swear, the day my gramma passes, the house will cave in on top of her.

    but know, that we are all struggling hand-in-hand. our small business barely keeps our heads above water, and now, going back to school, i'll probably be looking at paying back loans until i'm in my 70's.

    this is why we blog. letting friends know that we're all in this together...xo

  14. My wish for you
    ~~Peace & Love & Healing & Blessings~~

  15. Boy - I wish I could have sat with you to watch that glorious sunrise. I missed the sunrise as I was shoving freight as the sun came up and at double speed since the District Manager was there to monitor that we got it done in 5 1/2 hours or less. We managed that with also training two new people as we went. I would have much rather been helping you with farm chores = I really miss those days.

  16. Life is truly not for the faint and weak as they say. It's tough out here in the day to day dealing with all kinds of issues. The job fair is right outside my store tonight. People of all ages looking and hoping; young high school kids wondering about what to pursue. Hang in there friend. We're right here listening and ready to support you in your difficult times.

  17. I'm glad you're feeling better and that you now know the reason why you lost your stockers. It's wonderful that you are back writing!

  18. I find getting to a quiet place for contemplation most often makes me be able to screw my head back on straight and move ahead. I've had a more stressful fall than I can remember in many years and it's not over yet... but quiet, beauty and my camera moderate it all...

  19. Well I have just read your posts....a little late but never too late I expect.
    Sorry to hear you had a bad week, sure hope this one is much improved.
    Love M xoxox

  20. I'm glad you were able to find some peace, sitting in the early morning. Your week sounds horrible -- I'm glad you have some answers and it's under control. It sounds just awful -- and a bit sinister.

  21. Sounds like you have gone through a really tough time! Hugs!

  22. Just listening to your story gives me this sudden, strong urge to drive to our land and walk in it's beauty. There is nothing better than nature, and beautiful sunrises to help the mind shake off negative feelings, and to start anew. Sorry for your loss.

    Cindy Bee

  23. Farmlife is husband is always telling me I should have married a farmer...but I tell him the way I worry, it might be a good thing I did not. I grew up farming and remember always being worried when there was no rain. Remember having a cow die escapes me at the moment but remember having to burn her body. I can't for the life of me say it right now...

  24. I am so sorry about your losses. I hope you can identify the problem soon.

  25. Ah, there's that strength I've just referred to in one of your later posts. I'm reading backwards, trying to catch up on what I've missed. I'm SO pleased to know you're feeling as though you can start taking steps forward again. We all come a little glued down at times, but the important thing is knowing that we can come unstuck when the time is right. Be gentle with yourself. Writing seems to be therapeutic for you and you truly have a gift with words, so it's great to know you'll be writing again :)


The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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