Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Seeds Sown!

All work is as a seed sown; it grows and spreads, and sows itself anew.
                                             Thomas Carlyle

I am sitting here working while sitting. I do not mean in the getting a pay cheque kind of way, the way most of you actually do it, that would be the ideal way to work, I mean in the I cannot for the life of me pull myself away from my computer and from trying to get all these stories out of my head and sharing them with my girls. I feel this overwhelming urge to do this and I find myself writing more every day. Work maybe, but I think of it as my contribution to the sowing of seeds.

I am sitting at my kitchen table alone again; My Hero is back in the bush building fences without the cute girl holding the other end of the rail. I know he is missing her as much as she is missing him, “the good old days”. I find that I am missing those days more lately, the less I seem to be doing around the farm the more I miss it. Do not get me wrong I am not really missing the physical pain and coming home to get those hot packs in the microwave moments, but the sowing our seeds and contributing to our dream conversations.

My Hero and I would spend hours and I am not exaggerating, in the bush working hard. Our conversations would revolve around the future of this farm and our family and how life would be wonderful. This was our future and with both of us growing up poor we thought this was the best way to do it. Work hard and then reap the rewards later in our lives. I guess we never thought an invisible illness would change those plans. My illness not his, so far he is still trudging on, alone and exhausted. I am left here in our dream house looking out the window waiting for him to come back, waiting to put those hot packs in the microwave for him wishing I was back there helping.

Sometimes I feel so guilty for not working this dream with My Hero, and other times I blame the farm for making me this way and contributing to my illness and I actually hate it. I truly do love this farm no matter how I am feeling on those bad days; I do not regret this journey we have taken together. I obviously wish things had turned out the way I had always imagined in my head when we started this journey but that is the way life goes.

I do know this farm has given us more than it has taken. Our girls know the value of hard work and that life is what you make it, and they know how to deal with the things that go wrong with a smile and they never lose hope. I am so proud of my girls they are remarkable young self-sufficient women and I do know that comes from the seeds we have sown, by watching My Hero and I dealing with life on this farm. The farm I love but sometimes hate.

I sit here working on these stories so my girls will know what seeds have been sown on this journey on the farm and actually in my own life early on. My hope is they will understand that every year brings new challenges and sometimes the seeds of life do not always bring what you thought you had sown. With those seeds that have been sown and no matter what the yields may bring I want them to remember the work of the planting and tending of those seeds.

 I am truly happy, I am very proud of them. No regrets.



  1. I so am with you! We have farmed side by side on the family dairy farm. It's been a hard slog and we have worked long hours I have taken in paying guests doing Bed, Breakfast and Evening meal to help the farm economy....often changing clothes between courses to rush across the yard and free the corn dryer! Now we have retired and Hubby grieves the way that my son farms....letting go the fences etc. I want to grieve with him as I know the work that went into daring the land and laying hedges but if I do it will be quoted(often with his hurt spin) back to my son! It hurts! We still farm a little but I can do nothing (even when the cattle get out) to help since I broke both my ankles and damaged my back nearly 5years ago. I read back through your invisible illness post and was in tears as, after emergency admission through A&E to hospital and staying there a week , I was put on morphine! I am so worried about addiction but the pain is so bad, even after he last op6weeks ago! I can't drive now and I so 'bleed' for my husband. Sorry I have gone on a lot but your blogs just struck such a chord with me! Joan

  2. I feel so bad for you. Not feeling like a contributor is not good, but I know taking care of your house and feeding your Hero is a full time job. Don't beat yourself up because you can't get out and do physical labor any longer. Farming is such hard work and it is never ending.

    I have faith that you are going to beat this illness. It takes time and more hard work. My wish for you is to be well. Take care my friend!!!

  3. I wish I could fix it, Buttons! I'm sure it's hard to not be able to help when you want to, and I'm sure your Hero would love to have you there with him, but surely understands why you can't be. Your daughters are so fortunate to have been brought up in your family, where working together and the value of hard work were taught, I imagine, with a smile!

  4. Dear Buttons, I can so relate to this post. I often feel that men have a much higher pain tolerance than we do. My hubby does so much every day and I know he feels so much more pain than I do. If not for him, this place would founder.

    Love you girl. xo

  5. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be to not be able to do what your heart wants to do each day. I wish it was easier for you!

  6. A great idea to write for your children. lots of memories here. It is sad that you can't do what you used to or complete your dream but try to think of the positives like bringing up your children to be so proud of them
    Worrying about your not helping on the farm and feeling useless may be making your condition worse.

  7. It's wonderful that you write these posts for your girls, Buttons. What a great way to let them know what you are doing and thinking day by day.

  8. It is so hard to want to do things and have your body stop you cold. It's terribly frustrating. How are the new meds working out?

  9. I don't farm anymore but I know what you mean and are going through . When we moved here I would always help Papa do things and now it just hurts to move some times more so in the cold or damp weather . muscular rheumatoid arthritis is what I suffer from similar to Fibro but I have inflammation and it sometimes puts me in tears it hurts so bad all over . There are days I feel really week and it hurts to walk as my legs are worse then the rest of my body , Typing at the computer can make my hands hurt and ache. I sometimes feel physically exhausted even though I haven't done anything physical . It is very hard for others who don't suffer from these type's of illness to understand what it is like even though for me Papa sees me walking around like I am 90 . I have told Papa it feels like I have been beaten up every day so that helps him to understand . I am very much like you in the writing department but I write most of it in a journal when I am feeling down and out from it, I find writing to be so therapeutic ! I also find that a heating blanket helps me with the pain and I am taking anti inflammatory meds for it they help by dulling the pain but by no means stops it! I do hope you can find some way of at least coping that's all we can do is just cope with it ! I have my ok days and my bad days . Take care .

  10. oh buttons, i am so very sorry you are going through this...sending you prayers and hugs from virginia.

  11. PS. I spent all morning thinking about your blog and how our lives are similar in some ways so I ended up writing a new blog and quoting yours. I hope this is OK?
    I feel better having got it 'out there' instead of inside. So, many thanks for your blog and also the encouraging words you have given me over these last few weeks! Joan

  12. You are such a lovely lady Buttons. It breaks my heart that you are suffering. I have 2 other blogging friends with fibro. Prayers for you all.

  13. You are a real button.

    Working so much to keep everything intact.

  14. Buttons you did what you could. Now you have this problem it is not doable for you to go help the hero.

    You take care of self. When he comes in. I am sure you will beable to make him something for his food basket. After hsi long hours of outside.
    My sister had a farm with hubby and family tragic hit many years ago. A son. All I know of her was work,work.

    My sister passed on to Heavens door a couple of years ago. She was a hard worker on her farm with hubby.Now her work was done and hubby as well. Last son is working the farm with family.

    So like the gentlemen said in the post here.

    Don't keep worrying. As worrying only makes your condition worse my sweet lady.

    You have many prayer warriors here. Let Go and let God work in your life.What is best for you.

    Put all the if's in his hands.

    God Is Good Even In Tough Times.

    Like you say. You have no regrets. So rest in his peace daily.


  15. i tend to struggle against the changes life throws at us instead of going with the flow. in your case, you are a very strong, hope-filled woman with so much love to share. no matter working on the fence or at your computer.

  16. Don't give up on dreams Buttons. No, your old dreams aren't quite feasible right now...but who knows what dreams may come?

    Your Hero needs you to take care of yourself; believe me, seeing you in pain and exhausted hurts him as well, just as it hurts you to see him the same way.

    I'm going to post a link for you on the blog tonight and hope it helps you and your family as much as it helped me and mine. Sending loving prayers and hugs.

  17. This post was so well written. I know it must be so hard for you not to able to do what you once did. But, be very thankful for what you did get to do. So many people only get to plan and save and wait and then life happens and they never even get a day of their dream. Big hugs to you.

  18. Oh dear Buttons!! I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband and I have only been married for almost 3 years but I feel such guilt and sadness at being unable to work.
    before we married, I had worked hard fulltime as a single Mum being the sole wage earner to raise my 4 children. I worked hard even through the chronic illness I had... then 2 weeks before our wedding, I had a car accident which resulted in permanent nerve damage down my entire right side, along with damage to my hip joint, shoulder and neck. This meant that it became impossible for me to work and unable to drive (I am only allowed a short 20 min drive to my weekly specialist). I went from being entirely independent to basically dependent on others.
    I hate that I can't work to contribute to the family income and I don't enjoy being relatively housebound. BUT, I know that keeping a positive attitude helps me to deal with the constant pain I am in and that my photography is my escape - some days I can't even hold my camera but others I manage to or I use my tripod (I still have to rely on my husbands help).
    Keep writing and sharing. It's a gift you have been given to bless others :)

  19. As always, such a beautiful and real post. My husband and I just bought our home last May so we are in the stages of working hard to get it where we want it to be. I know what you mean about working for hours outside and talking about family and plans. It is such a joy and I'm truly sorry that has been taken away from you.

  20. The conflicting emotions you have of the farm are certainly understandable. It's tough when life hands you an invisible illness, as you call it. But your words are full of grace and wisdom. Your daughters are lucky to have you for their mom. Hang in there! We love you out in Blogland!

  21. Sweet B...You truly are a great contributor and do what you can. Your attitude is amazing and boy do I know what you mean about having girls that were brought up on a farm! Our two daughters know about responsibility and what it's like to do real physical labor (can outdo their non farm pals by a long shot). You have a very loving family and have so much to share.
    Big hugs from Skoog Farm.

  22. It is so hard when our "want to" no longer matches up with our "can do." {{HUGS}}

  23. I have just now 'found' you, but you seem to have 'found' me first and with a lovely message of comfort when you, yourself are in dire need of comforting. This speaks of what a wonderful person you are and although you are going through this difficult time in your life, you are reaching out to others and the ripples spread outwards, beginning with you. Your family is fortunate to have you in their lives and maybe you cannot be physically there, but the love you surround them with is.
    I will be following along. Hugs to you, too. xx

  24. I so feel for you Buttons, to want to help but feel unable to. But you can only do what you can do. I hope your meds are helping you cope with your pain.
    But you have to look after yourself so that you can look after your husband when he comes home.
    You write so well your girls will truly appreciate what you are doing.
    Take care my friend.

  25. I was just saying to my mam the other day, "The mind is willing, but the body ain't!!"

    Hang in there, sending you {{{HUGS}}}


  26. If it isn't written down; in a few years it may as well have not even happened. At least that's how I think. A written record, even when the writer doesn't feel they are talented, can be a priceless record for those who come behind.

  27. I bet if we got your hero's opinion on this he would be telling us a way different story - I bet you do waaaay more work then you think -Im so glad tht you have a wonderful, supportive best friend in him :)

    and ya, what Leenie said - GOOD WORDS!!!

    and the seeding part? That analogy makes me nervous if I were to use it LOL but your girls sound like they are growing wise towards the sun ;)

  28. I can imagine how hard it is to not be able to work side by side with him now. I am sure he loves you very much and appreciates you taking care of him at the end of a long day.


The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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