Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Wake Up Wake Up!

Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith.
                                            Henry Ward Beecher

This morning I woke up with a fear I haven’t felt for a very long time after trying to pull myself out of a dream, at least I thought it was a dream but since I could not escape I was having doubts. I have to say this rarely happens to me most often I quickly figure out that I am sleeping and can wake myself up, this time I could not and this fear of no control holds me tight even now as I lie here wide awake with the sun shining in my window. This was a very vivid dream making it hard for me to distinguish between reality and my imagination.

I was sitting in a very crowded subway station on a bench underground; I looked down to see my phone in my hand resting on my lap. The numbers were all mixed up and the back of it was broken off. The six and the seven buttons were lying loosely on my lap and I was wearing my blue jeans the ones I like. I picked up the seven and tried to stick it back on the face of the broken phone and it kept falling back into my lap. I had no idea how my phone had become broken but I knew I was in trouble. A little panic started to creep in.

 I was in a station I had never seen before with signs I could not understand, the letters were jumbled much like the numbers on the face of my phone. I threw that broken phone in my black purse and one of the numbers fell to the floor and I did not bother to pick it up.  I kept thinking my girls would be worried so I climbed up the many black and white checkered steps to the street to see if I could figure out where I was and maybe see a phone booth or someplace I could find a phone. I exited onto the street and was immediately immersed into a huge crowd who had also left the subway station below.

I was in a part of a city I had never seen before, I was assuming it was Toronto but I could not read the signs. There was colourful graffiti on all the buildings and I remember I thought it looked so beautiful. As soon as I stopped staring at the beautiful artwork and looked around I noticed all the people were staring at me and I had a horrible feeling they knew I did not belong there. I could see a woman off in the distance with her arm high in the air waving her hand beckoning me to come with her. I thought I recognized her but was not sure, I hesitated even though she had a friendly smile and I knew I did indeed need her help. I panicked, turned and rushed back down those black and white checkered stairs to the subway platform and hopped on the subway car that was sitting waiting with the doors open, the doors closed.

I found myself sitting beside two little girls one with shiny black hair and one with snowy white hair, they smiled at me and I smiled back. They were staring at the two purses I was carrying; I noticed my one purse looked identical to the purse the snowy white haired girl was carrying. I remember I thought that was funny because for one thing I never carry two purses and for another that colourful purse was one I had made myself years ago and it had a very unusual geometric design. I opened that purse and noticed it was full of knitting needles and yarn, very colourful yarn. I knew I did not knit and then I realized it was my Mom’s knitting. I closed the bag back up and I handed it to the shiny black haired girl and she smiled. The subway screeched to a halt the doors opened and the two smiling girls now with identical purses exited the car. The door shut once again.

This was when a blaring announcement comes over the intercom as I sat in this subway car looking around and realizing I was totally alone “Next stop the airport”, all my thoughts at this time revolved around my broken phone lying at the bottom of my black purse and wondering which number had fallen onto the floor in that subway station, worrying about my girls wondering where I was and if I was OK, and I questioned why had I given my Mom’s knitting away in my colourful purse to the smiling shiny black haired girl. A feeling of total helplessness flowed through my body………I then woke up shaking, my pillow wet with tears.

A question that has stayed with me since waking up and something that I cannot put out of my mind while thinking about my Mom………  Is this what Alzheimer’s feels like from the inside? I hope not.



  1. Oh my goodness, you poor thing. What a peculiar dream :( so strange about the purse and how colourful the whole dream was and the feeling of not belonging and not quite recognizing anything. I hope you have a good day out on the farm x

  2. Sending you a huge hug my friend; nightmares are an awful thing.

    It sounds as though you've a lot on your mind just now and this is the mind's odd and confusing way of helping to sort them out. My Granny used to put a bay leaf or sprig of lavender under my pillow when I had nightmares; I don't know if it was the scent or just knowing how much she cared, but it always seemed to help.

  3. I'm so sorry you had that nightmarish dream. I do think your mind is just trying to sort through all of the various odds and ends of all your different experiences lately. I love Jacquelineand's suggestion of bay leaf or lavender under the pillow. I do hope you have a better sleep tonight!

  4. That was scary...I hope it isn't what Alzheimers feels like too.

  5. I'm sorry you had such an awful dream! Sending hugs your way!!!

  6. hugs to you...not a good way to wake up...

  7. No worries - you have had a lot happen lately - When we sleep, nerves repair & rebuild . . . your brain interpreted this activity in an unusual manner . . . You are WAY MORE Than okay - you are an Artist . .

    In advance of this evening I'll remind you "All Is Well" - AND - wish you "Sweet Dreams."
    Love & Love,

  8. I hate this feeling of fear; I have had the same recurring dream for many years about going down the hill into the Saugeen River in Southampton ON Terrifying ... thank goodness we do wake up. xx

  9. What a dream. Sounds like an independent film.

    I too have disturbing thoughts about what Alzheimers would be like. My grandmother had it. I read the book Still Alice a couple of years ago, and couldn't sleep for 3 nights thinking about it.

  10. Dreams can be so vivid and seem so real that they scare the bejeepers right out of us. I hate when I have dreams like that. Take care B!

  11. I am so sorry about the bad dream Buttons.


  12. Oh Buttons, that is such a scary dream! ((Big Hugs to you)). I hope it fades from your mind soon, and doesn't come back!
    Nightmares can be so vivid, my empathy.

  13. Bless your heart, Buttons--I'm sending you a hug! I'm sorry you had such a nightmare. I agree with the others that you've had a lot going on and our minds just try to work through things while we sleep. Rest easy.

  14. I have had dreams that I wake from feeling either sad or they bother me ! It is our brains collecting all kinds of images and thoughts of similar things that we have seen or done and put them together and we don't even realize that some of what we see in the dream we actually saw and never connected the two or took notice till we dream ! I hope you feel better as the day goes on . Good story and well writien though I must say !

  15. Our minds are a maze we will never comprehend, for certain and along with those dreams. Bad dreams can certainly be unsettling, especially when they feel so real, but perhaps they're just a way for our sub-conscious to process how much it absorbs, which is likely more than we realize or know.

    Hugs B

  16. What a nightmare! I hate crazy dreams like that. I think your analysis may be spot on. Viewing Alzheimers from a new perspective. In lucid moments my mom said she felt as if she were in a bad dream and couldn't escape.

  17. Sorry you had such a vivid scary dream. When I have dreams like that I always wonder where they come from.
    Wishing you sweet dreams tonight.

  18. your last statement says it all...

  19. not your time, place or people, but you are learning to let go...piece by piece...which is hard for you, all of us.

    let me be a baba yaga for moment...(my daughters call me that out of fun ;)

    your cell phone is definitely the connection to this world-your world with the girls, hero, your heaven and earth, but you were in a place that you could not use it anymore and the communication was broken - that upset you...the place you stopped at was humanely beautiful, but you knew you didnt belong even when you made a friendly connection with one person who was there. the young ones are part of your mom's black and white world right now, and you finished the task that you didnt even realize you had to do or were going to do- and now realize...

    You gave your mom what she needed.

    youre almost finished and its even tougher now because you cant go with her to wheres shes going. your mind is grieving for whats ahead, and thats perfectly normal.I hope you get the rest you need and deserve...

    Hugs to my friend ((((buttons))))

    heres a link to a new blog i found please read, okay? it might give you some peace on that last question of yours :)


  20. Buttons, you are such a good daughter, you take such good care of your mom, and you love her so much. I don't think anyone knows what an Alzheimer patient feels inside their minds, but I must believe that your mom will always know you love her and know your loving touch.

  21. Oh B, what a dream! I can see why you were so shaken by it. I felt the helplessness creep over me while reading it. Your last statement is haunting. I have had several members (great grandparents, uncles & aunts) who have had Alzheimer's. Such a scary word.

    I suffer from what they call Night Terrors. I've had to go through several sleep studies . . . I can empathize with you on having such a vivid dream (nightmare) that you just couldn't wake up from...although, I am told that I usually act out what is happening in my dream. I scare my husband and kids a lot when this happens.

  22. I'm amazed how much you remembered about your dream. I usually only remember the last few "frames" before I wake up. Yikes -- I wonder what all of that means?

  23. Just found your site this morning and I was transfixed to your story and dream.
    What's amazing is that you remember this dream so vividly. I do at times remember mine but not quite this well.
    Most people I don't think are lucky enough to remember their dreams.
    Like you I would be wondering what it all means.
    Looking forward to being a new friend and follower.

  24. Big (((HUG))) your way. I don't like waking up to unpleasant dreams.

  25. That was such a powerful dream. I know what you mean about waking up with that feeling of dread that you can't shake. It stays with you all day long. I hope you have sweeter dreams tonight!

  26. Terrible dream!!! I hope you are feeling better now!!
    I like the second image, of the subway tunnels!!!

  27. I imagine it does...sad to say. Went through it with Dad and at times he was so lost.

    You just need to continue to be there for your mom. This is caregiver's anxiety coming through I would guess.

  28. Your dream sounds terrifying for sure! You have a great memory. I rarely remember my dreams and then only bits and pieces.

    As to whether that's what Alzheimer's feels like - hmmmm. Maybe.

  29. What a vivid dream - that you can remember it so well. So sorry because it was so sad - yet there is a message in it.

  30. Sorry to hear you had such a strange/vivid dream. Prayers being sent your way.

  31. I had a very vivid, scary dream last night, too. And I remember most of it which is unusual. Maybe this journey you're on with your mom has revealed itself in this dream. Your fear of what lies ahead has elements in the traveling scenarios. Hope you have a peaceful sleep tonight.

  32. Well I started off feeling some comfort in the fact that you didn't know if it was a dream or reality when you woke up
    Because I do that sometimes and I think Maybe I'm losing my mind. Then you sucked the wind right out of me with that last comment.

    Cindy Bee

    Ps. Next time I have a dream I'm calling on feral woman. Who knew she could do that!

  33. My mother-in-law suffered with Alzheimers for many years - we often wondered what it must have been like as she descended into a living nightmare. Perhaps it was like your dream from which escape was impossible.

    Well written.

  34. Dreams can feel so real... You must have had a lot on your mind, especially your Mom. I hope the sun was àble to pull you out of it. You are an exceptional wife, Mom and daughter.

  35. I hate dreams like that, that pull you to the brink before you actually wake up. It makes you feel exhausted......

    Hope you had a better night last night?


  36. Oh goodness I'm so sorry that you had such a vivid nightmare. They're very distressing aren't they? Dreams fascinate me on so many levels.

  37. It is very unsettling when you wake up from a dream that you remember so vividly. That feral, what a great interpretation she offered and I tend to agree with her.
    {{HUGS}} to you dear Buttons!

  38. I hope that you feel better now ;-)
    Great post!

    Sincerest greetings from the Netherlands,

  39. Buttons ... that was such an intense dream .. I understand how you feel. Some dreams like that leave you with such a heavy hearted feeling long after you wake up .. entire days in fact. I hope it passes and you don't have any more for a long time.
    Stress .. even happy event stress can make the brain go haywire .. we are going through that right now in fact so dreams can be very vivid and very intense.
    You are not alone though .. so take heart !
    Thank you so much for your kind comments on my photograpy : ) I appreciate it !
    Joy : )

  40. It sounds truly awful, dearest B. I hate that you had to have such an upsetting dream! Hugs, hugs, and more hugs:) xx

  41. your last sentence haunts me!!

    i hope it was a once in a lifetime dream ;))))

  42. I have once or twice woken from a dream feeling frightened but have never been able to remember the dream in its entirety as you did. It takes simply ages to feel normal again and then there is the fear that if you go back to sleep the dream may recur.
    Hope you have got it right out of your mind now and can move on without it worrying you too much.
    That quote is really good and we do have that choice to make each day. M


The mind grows by what it feeds on. J.G. Holland

Thank you so much for your comments, they mean more to me then I could ever express. Hug B

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